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Old 04-18-2011, 07:06 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by LadyRaven View Post
Hello all. I'm new here and hoping for some advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together nearly three years, living together for just over two. In the past year, he's rekindled an interest in S&M that he had before we met. He wants to be whipped and spanked. It's not something I've done before, but I'm willing to learn.

The problem is, he doesn't seem to want me to be the one whipping him. A few months ago, he told me he wants to try polyamory. I'd be his Primary, he assures me, but he wants a Secondary girlfriend (one who already knows her way around a flogger), and maybe to play around at S&M parties.
BDSM has some interesting quirks to them. One of them is how individual a person can be in picking their sadist/top/etc. I can sub.. and maybe will someday. I could never... EVER do it for my wife.

Even if she was trained and became a good top/domme I would not submit to her, and she could not beat me.

So it may not be a skill thing, it might be a you thing. Thats not meant as an offensive statement. Just pure fact

I have no problem with the concept of polyamory in general - many of our friends live that lifestyle and seem perfectly happy - but it's not something I have any interest in bringing into my own relationship. I don't want him canoodling with someone else, I don't want to be sitting home alone while he's out on a date (nor am I really interested in engaging in another relationship of my own), and I simply don't want a time-share boyfriend. I want to be the one sexually satisfying him. I'm willing to engage in the S&M that he wants, but he keeps holding me at arm's length from it.
Read above..

I guess I could explain further. If he is a switch, and could bottom. You might not be top material. Its an attitude. A feel.. a personality and most of all, for me, chemistry. I can't sub to the toughest dommes, but I can think of a certain someone I would want to beat me.

In addition, he originally told me he wanted to try poly to "experience the different energies" that other people bring. Did he want to have sex with others? He didn't know. Did he want another girlfriend? He didn't know. A few months later, he confessed that he'd had a specific girl in mind for his Secondary all along. For me, it then turned from "I want to experience different people" to "I want to get it on with this girl and still keep my girlfriend". So on top of dealing with his new desires, I have to get past having been misled and essentially lied to.
Why assume he misled you. Maybe he didn't know. Maybe he wasn't quite sure. Maybe it evolved over those months. Maybe the desire to be topped became stronger and stronger to the point he couldn't resist. Its a different kind of desire, and a different kind of person. At least in my limited experiences with subs.

Poly and BDSM is an easy combination (in one respect) due to how regimented BDSM can be. If he is looking for a topping gf, he is literally looking for a jig saw piece to fill a need that can't be fullfilled for some reason. Its not a short coming on your part at all..

Where I migth begin to get concerned is if it turns into a Master/Slave or D/s relationship. You may want to educate yourself on the nuances of this potential type of relationship as it can become a HUGE hinderance in poly. The freedom of poly can be quickly locked down in a poorly structured dominant setup. Luckily your bf sounds like a masochistic which doesn't always include domination/master roles.

We love each other and want to spend our lives together, but he really wants this and I really don't. How can we get past this situation? Does a compromise exist?
Could you handle him with a play partner. Someone to beat and flog the hell out of him, with the removal of emotion. This happens a lot in BDSM too.

If..a) he really wants a gf and b) you really don't want him to have a gf. There really isn't a compromise. Someone has to give in.
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