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Old 09-25-2009, 09:00 PM
dearprudence dearprudence is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Philadelphia burbs
Posts: 21
Default A New Love and NRE

I am finding myself feeling not so comfortable with my husband's new love, and I'm trying to keep my mouth shut about it until I understand my emotions a bit better. This is all very new to us. It's only been a year this month. This is his first relationship since then that he is using the word "love," and eager to go for it.

Let me preface this by saying that I recently ended a 3-month relationship with another man. During that relationship, my husband (C) was supportive, open to talking when I wanted to, and not at all intrusive. I cannot say I am as successful with my own behavior.

C and his friend have been seeing each other for about four months. At first, coming out of my own relationship which C treated with respect, and also feeling that we had arrived at a very good place in our polyamory journey, I was feeling generous, supportive, and eager for him. Since then, this young woman (M) has been struggling with sharing him. She has told me that she had a rule for herself to not get involved with a married man, and that she never wanted to be polyamorous. She has had quite a few conversations with C about what he will do on Valentine's Day, that she can't introduce him to her family, what he would do if she and I both had funerals to go to on the same day, things like that. There is a pattern developing - when she and he are together, she is happy. Then about 48 hours after they are apart, she starts emailing and phoning him with her insecurities. So my generosity and support is feeling strained.

She and I have spent some time together just hanging out, and I feel it's time for either the three of us or maybe just she and I to have a conversation about the things she is struggling with. I need this because I don't know her that well yet, and now these struggles are the only thing I see. So I find myself worrying that she will soon direct jealousy and envy at me, and will start making demands. I know I am doing the same thing she is - worrying about what hasn't happened yet. And I feel I need to open up to her and let her open up to me rather than let C assume the role in the middle trying to make both of us feel better.

Ugh! This sounds ridiculous writing it out like this. Of course I need to talk with her.

It's difficult for me to see C in the throes of new relationship energy and all that that implies. I think 4 months is too soon to say you love someone, but I have to let him have his own relationships and make his own decisions. Any advice on how to do that exactly? I don't think these things are red flags yet, necessarily, but it is a bit too dramatic for my liking. Anybody have some tools for sitting back and trusting him to experience what he deems desirable?
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