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Old 09-25-2009, 07:52 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
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Default An outside perspective on Poly motivations

This post is based on my observations at a monthly poly meeting I attend. It does not apply to everyone and is not an attempt to explain anything but my own personal perspective on the motivation for some to have poly relationships. It is an observation, not an argument, debate or attack. If it offends anyone I apologize but I think sharing this is interesting and worthwhile.

Last night at our monthly poly meeting I heard something that struck me as very odd and interesting.

People were talking about being uncomfortable with a single partner meeting too many of there needs. Not that their partner expected them to meet more needs than they could fulfill but concern that their partner met too many of their needs. They were concerned about putting two many of their eggs into one basket so to speak. In their minds if that person was suddenly gone they would be left with a large void to fill in many areas. They therefore wanted to pull back from that and share those needs with other people so they would essentially lose less from each individual.

This gave me a very interesting look into how they approached relationships. In affect if they found one person who did meet all there needs they would be afraid of losing that because it would be all encompassing and more devastating. Their desire to have multiple people was more fuelled by a need to create relationship redundancies and safeties it seams rather than out of a need to love more.

I've heard it said that if someone meets too many of your needs you become codependant. This is not the case if the relationship is mutually healthy. Codependance is defined by Wikipedia as:

"a pattern of detrimental, behavioral interactions within a dysfunctional relationship which is regarded as an emotional disorder, and by some as a psychological disease.[1] In the relationship, the codependent person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition, such as drug addiction.[2] The codependent's life gets more and more out of hand and at the end, they might become as sick as the one they are codependent on.[3] In general, the codependent is understood to be a person who perpetuates the addiction or pathological condition of someone close to them in a way that hampers recovery. This can be done through direct control over the dependent, by making excuses for their dysfunctional behavior or relieving them of the consequences of the dependence. This is called enabling, which can have negative social and health consequences for both parties. A codependent may feel shame about, or try to change, their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with those of another person."

From my perspective they were approaching poly as a way to reduce the severity of losing any one individual in their life. They therefore gave the impression that they do not believe in lifelong sustainability of one relationship.

Clearly, I do not think this is how every person approaches relationships nor is it the reason all people practice polyamory. But it did explain why some of them did.

I continue to learn and grow in my own poly relationship and marvel at the discoveries I have made about myself and people in general.
This is yet another blessing Redpepper has brought to my life as I would probably not travelled down certain paths in my life without her.

I am an immensely in-love and honored person to have such a wonderful Life Love, friend and, at times, mentor in my life.
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