I donīt even know where to start...here I go.
I am a 30 year old woman. I have battled with depression all my life. I have had male and female partners, and Iīm fine with that. I am a very lonely person. I havenīt had a partner in 8 years, and most of my energy goes into not being depressed. I feel lonely a lot but I just canīt establish healthy relationships with people. My past relationships have all been abusive, so I finally decided I prefered to be alone.
Well, about 2 years ago I met a really nice couple. A man (62 years old)and a woman (53 years old). I really liked them, they invited me over to dinner, etc. We are very similar in what we like, the things we do, etc. A year later, I started having a really close frienship with her. We started spending A LOT of time together, we talked about really intimate things, etc. I started developing feelings for her. We talked them, and she said she felt them too, but she was married and couldnīt act on them. at the same time, he started inviting me to visit museums, etc. We started spending more and more time together, but I didnīt feel anything for him. Then, one day, he declared his love to me, and he kissed me. I felt my world turned upside down. i told him we couldnīt do that, and nothing else happened. I continued to spend time with her, and felt stronger feelings for her. We started going to my house. We spent some days together, in bed, just wathching movies, reading, talking, etc. We started caressing each other, but she kept saying we couldnīt do more than that. At the same time, he kept insisting he wanted to be with me. We kissed and had a lot of intimacy (Iīm being vague on purpose). He dindīt know what I was living with her, and she didnīt know what I was livivng with him. I told her we should tell him, but she refused.
Then , one day, she discovered what was happening between him and me. She confronted him, and he phoned me. They talked as a couple and he said he was in love with me, but that he didnīt want to see me again because he didnīt want to put his marriege at risk. So, she said we could continue to be friends (him and me) as long as we didnīt haave physical intimacy. She didnīt tell him what she had be doing with me.
She then confronted me. She cried a lot..we both cried a lot. I told her what I felt for him, and what I felt for her. I told her I wanted to be with both of them. She kissed me and we had sex. I was so confused, because I thought she was going to end our friendship. I told her I didnīt want to be her mistress, and she told me we were going to be girlfriends. We made an agreement. I can have as many partners as I want, and we will continue to be together. She will continue to be with her husband, and I can continue to be friends with him, but I cantīsleep with him. The only rules are that I donīt have sex with him, and he canīt know what is happening between us. That has to continue being a secret, as she doesntī want to tell him what she feels for me.
That was 2 months ago. Since then, she and I have been having a steady girlfriend relationship. We have made two trips together, to spend the weekend . We also spend one day a week together.
I have continued to see him, as friends. He hides from her and doesnīt want to tell her we meet, even though she said she had no problem with that. I tell her every time we meet, even if he doesnīt. He says he still has feelings for me. He says he loves me. he tries to kiss me, touch me, etc. I try to tell him no, but the truth is I love him too. I like being kissed by him and I like being with him. I like that he writes to me and phones me and is very gentle and caring. But, at the same time, I donīt want to lose her. She has made very clear that everything will end if I get involved with him again. I love him but I really really love her. My feelings for her are stronger than my feeling for him, but I still love him.
I just feel so confused. I donīt understand how I can feel so strongly for both of them.
I donīt know how to deal with her being with him without being jealous.
I donīt like deceiving him and not telling him i love his wife.
I dontīlike being a secret and i donīt like that she has to hide to be with me
I donīt know how to manage the pain and loneliness y feel everytime I have to say goodbye to her, knowing she will go to bed with him. I feel so lenely. Everything is so intense when Iīm with her, and then, everything just disappears.
I donīt know how to be with him without feeling what I feel,
I sometimes feel Iīm no more that a plaything for the coulpe, but at the same time, I feel like a pathetic homewrecker. I am so afraid of destroying their relationship, I really like their reklationshio and I really want them to contunue to be together, I just donīt want to be excluded, and i do feel jealous sometimes.
I see they are just as confused as I am. This is new for them too, and we just donīt know what to do. She feels insecure and he knows nothing about what is really happening.
Well, I have a lot more to say, but this is really long. I really really hope you can answer me and give me some perspective on this. I hope my long message doesnīt make you stop reading.
Thank you so much for reading this.