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Old 04-17-2011, 03:38 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Thank you, I have gotten more sleep and feel a little better.

It's been weird around here for me. Quiet, but not. No text messages, no calls, nobody over for dinner. Kids are still being their typical noisy selves though. I'm pretty sure they have split personalities. One for me, one for everyone else.

Thursday we had another counseling session. Hubby discussed his anger. He seems less angry, but there has also been less poly discussion. Counselor suggested I back of from poly (which I feel I have been), while hubs works out his anger issues, and that hubs backs off from alcohol, which seems to make the anger issues worse.

Friday, our friend (and we've established over and over that he is JUST a friend), came over (with hubby's permission). He got here about 10 minutes before hubs got home from work, and hubby came in already angry. He did relax after a while, but I don't know why he came in already pissed off.

Yesterday our derby team had a crawfish boil fundraiser. It went from 1pm to 2am. I wanted to stay the whole thing but was afraid to ask, so instead I asked if he wanted me to work the early half or the late half. He said early. He came down with the kids for a bit, and while he was there I asked if he would mind if I came home and helped put the kids to bed and came back. He seemed really irritated that I asked. He said "I'd like to spend time with you this weekend". Which kind of frustrated me. I like to spend time with him too, but it's not like we have fundraisers every weekend, and I'm only limited to do weekend events since he works swing shift and is gone every night. He sent me a message later and said I could stay later if I wanted, but I already felt guilty about it, so I just stayed a little bit later and left at 7 instead of 6. I hate that I have fear and guilt about asking for anything anymore. I'm always afraid I'm crossing the line.

Otherwise things have been pretty good. Hubs and I went skating last Sunday together for a while and that was really nice. He even took a long break from work to come to my practice Monday and skated while we practiced. He wants his own skates so he doesn't have to use the crappy rink skates, so that makes me excited that he's enjoying something that I do. Especially a physical activity! Last night we watched a movie, and he brushed my hair, which makes me all warm and tingly inside. I LOVE getting my hair brushed! Even with all of the ups and downs, I love my hubby more than ever.

On the J front. I said (and am sticking by my guns), that I'm backing off while he figures out whatever he's doing with his girlfriend. I totally don't understand that situation, but if it makes him happy, then that's what matters. But it doesn't change the fact that I've been missing him terribly. Especially since it's been so quiet around here.. I keep trying to stay busy so I don't think about him much. Every now and then I look at her pictures of them together to remind myself why I'm doing this. It took a few times looking at them to not make my stomach go in knots, but I'm good now. Now I smile and think to myself that as weird as I think it is, she is the one he wants, and that I always knew there would be someone eventually. I'm content with that, but it doesn't change my feelings about him.

So yeah..that's this weeks update. I'm really hoping we start making some more progress. I know if it's not getting worse, it's progress, but I'm feeling really in limbo lately. Not really sure what's okay and what's not... when I should talk, and when I should keep my mouth shut. I long for certainty....and acceptance...and I fear neither will ever come.
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