Io.. I wish I could have more experience to share with you and make this easier for you... but for myself I am just entering into my first poly relationship, and I am the first "girlfriend" of my couple... and at the moment it is new & exciting & terrifying for all of us (neither myself or the "wife" have actually had any "hands on" experiences with women before either.. so it's all pretty crazy)... You sound like you're handling it in a really mature and thoughtful way though. I am certain M&H will one day see that and be so thankful (right now I guess they may be too wrapped up in thier own pain to recognise external factors)... and I am happy to be here for you in your safe & non-judgemental "venting" place
.. I am sure I will need you to return the favour at some point.. haha.
I did want to make one observation about my discovery of NRE.. I wonder if anyone else found this. When I read what it was it explained so many of the mistakes I have made in my love life.... I am a total control freak, so I love to give my emotions some point of reference that makes logical sense.
Learning about NRE allowed me to forgive myself for a lot of mistakes I have made in the past... It was actually a pretty emotional moment when I realised this, and very liberating.. and it was writing to my "boyfriend's" wife which made me realise it.
Isn't life strange?