Originally Posted by River
Now I want to say a few words about "fuckbuddies".
I do not believe sex is a form of "casual" recreation like shooting hoops or going bowling or going fishing.... And yet many people want to treat it as if it were a casual sport, a trivial play thing that doesn't and mustn't include our deepest, most soulful depths. (I'm at a loss to name it, since I can so easly be misconstrued. -- our soul, as folks have traditionally called it, our psyche, our most inward true and whole being....)
Nor am I an old fashioned prude who thinks one must essentially marry (monogamously or even polyamorously) anyone or everyone with whom one engages in sexual play. Sex may be "play" but it is serious play. Let's just say that it is always profound play -- whether or not we KNOW that this is so while we're engaging in it. Intense physical intimacy simply IS a form of "spiritual" intimacy; the soul and the psyche and the heart are always fully engaged -- whether we know it or not, whether we're conscious of it or not.
We are never half a person. We are always a whole person, and when we get under or on the sheets with someone, we're a soul encountering a soul. Even if we treat it as if we're just trivial pleasure machines.... We are NOT trivial pleasure machines. We're whole beings with hearts, hurts, wants, needs -- souls.
So when Jryyc1 and his "fuckbuddy" found themselves, rather unexpectedly, encountering a "soul" dimention in their fuckbudy-ing, I think to myself! Oh, thank the Goddess!! (Or goddesses, or whatever.) This means they're on a journey toward conscious wholeness, the realization of the true power of touch and encounter, and of sex.
If they keep it up, and I hope they do, they'll soon lose all interest in "fuckbuddies". I certainly have! I'd rather have lovers, and have the love part of the term "lovers" be bright and real and known to me. I don't think all loverly relationships have to be a sort of marriage. I don't think every loverly relationship has to last for years and years in order for it to be real, valid, nourishing, healing.... I have no problem with even one night encounters. Duration has little to do with the power of this magic -- But most good things like to continue, somehow.
If sex and touch can have the power to set our essential, innermost essence ablaze with startling wonderment-warmth, we should treat it as sacred. And, really, all this means is that we are treating others and ourselves as sacred. As whole. As holy. (And I use 'holy' here in a very non-traditional, non-religious way -- but only 'holy' suffices.)
This is beautifully said River. I read it to my husband specifically as it resonates with our journey from "swinging" (I could talk a lot about this term and all it entails and have many times on here... why do you think I am not one any more
)to "open" to "poly." Sex is very much a spiritual and soul connecting thing. There can be damage done when we are not aware of that. The media doesn't help as it promotes a casual approach to sex and creates sex objects for us. Thank you for this beautiful piece!
Having said that I realize it is very much a part of male gay culture to have "fuck buddies." The fact that it is not straight culture does indeed make it slightly different, although I know plenty of straight people in marriages where they do the same thing. It can be called "swinging"... but is also called "open" in some circles.
I find it fascinating that when I identified as Lesbian the culture tended to be opposite to our male counter parts in the form of "Lesbian bed death." It was not okay to be with others, but was totally okay to be co-dependent and miserable for the most part, until another came along and the uhaul was rented all over again.
Anyway, I digress....
I feel for you jryy1, I hear your fear in your posts. This is really big!
I know you are leaving the forums for now and I can understand that. I am sure that talking with River will be helpful. You seemed to have developed a rapport with him. Please remember that you are not alone in this. Gay, straight, whatever,....there are many of us that have done major processing and had our lives up turned dramatically. Some long term relationships have ended and some have grown stronger and have been recharged. I hope the latter is the case for you. But, what will be will be. One thing is for sure and that is that you will know yourself better and love yourself more and will reach a depth that you have only just begun to touch on. That is very scary, very real and incredible at the same time.
Good luck on your journey. I certainly look forward to hearing your news should you see fit to give it. If you think you could benefit from our wisdom again I am sure you will ask for our opinions when the moment arises.