What I have learned in trying to repair my own marriage is that we basically have to start from scratch. Which really kinda sucks, because it's much more fun at the beginning when NRE is in full swing. It's like we are getting to know each other all over again, sure he knows that I don't like mustard, it only took him 12 years to figure that out
, but we have had to stop assuming anything about each other. Sometimes I feel like walking in the door and introducing myself "Hi, I'm SN. It looks like we are going to be living together. What in the hell are we supposed to do and how do we do it? OMG, there are how many kids, at WHAT ages?
We actually have to sit down and have discussions on simple stuff. Stuff we always thought each other knew about us and how we function, our goals (for the year, for life and for the kids). It has helped, because when we don't stop ourselves from assuming we end up back in a huge fight about the past, which makes both of us feel like any progress we have made was just tossed out the window.
The visions I had about marriage and my life have been tossed out the window. Now it time to sit down, and say this is what I have to work with, this is what I want, how do I put it all together and make it function. Is it possible? Probably, but not in any typical traditional format. Stepping back can be helpful in the long run.
Hugs and support to both you and LR. Marriage itself is a bitch, one sitting on top of a volcano is even trickier.