I think I could have been "friends" and channeled my love a little differently than the romantic way I felt for him at first... But lately I am thinking why?
See the man that I started seeing, the man that I fell for was just completely different than the man that I have before me today. He really stressed wanting friendship. He still texts me everyday. But it's completely different. It's half assed. It's disrespectful.
I'd love to be his friend but I don't know if he can. The kind of friend he is right now is closed off, distant, reluctant, strange, awkward, confusing. He sends me mixed signals. He doesn't seek my support or my company when he's had a bad day at work. He tells me we should hang out on his days off, but somehow is too busy to text me. Instead of courteously telling me he can't hang out, that something came up, or that he fell asleep and he's sorry, he's just making light happy little jokes. "Whoops I fell asleep.. I am an old man!" Maybe I am getting bent out of shape. But I want a friend that WANTS to hang out with me. I don't want a flake. And most certainly don't want a friend that thinks its nice to flake and not communicate.
But here's the idea I have going in my crazy little head. I am thinking that instead of a nice crisp break up - a clean slate and a time to heal and move on, I am presented with the option of killing it slowly.
Drawing out the relationship between us until it becomes a miserable roller coaster of highs and lows, expectations and disappointments. I am a little distant thought in the background. I am a candle that is running out of wax. Eventually he wont text me at all. Eventually he won't want to hang out with me. Little by little there is nothing. It's making it harder for me. If there was still a functional friendship where new memories could be created, laughter, enjoyment, happiness, appreciation, respect, effort.. I would be so inclined and honored to have him in my life.
What do you think? Is it wrong for me to want to just write him a letter letting him know how I've been feeling and stressing that I think it's a good idea that we either make an effort at being "friends" or move on permanently?
PS sorry if this sounds particularly whining or ridiculous. I've been awfully miserable and emotional about this whole situation the last few days. I think I am so miserable because I hate who he's become. It's so frustrating.