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Old 04-14-2011, 12:02 PM
Tracey Tracey is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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First, I agree wholeheartedly with Mohegan -- you must take care of YOU, because in the end, no one else will. Be sure to put YOU first, at least for awhile.

It appears you've got two dynamics going on: (1) verbal/emotional abuse, and (2) a deeply ingrained, well-developed script. I hold out hope that people can change their behaviors, if the choose to do so. What's really tough to battle is that script. If this has been going on for 10 years, the two of you have a shared pattern of behaviors/responses -- your script -- that you both need to work on together. Your partner says/does something, a trigger, and you KNOW you're about to get blasted. You, in turn, react in some way that causes a trigger for your partner to activate, and before you both know it you're down some ugly path that neither of you can seem to step away from until it's run its course.

I was in a relationship for 29 years that did this very thing. I tried to get my husband to work with me on this, but in his view, there was nothing wrong with him and I was the one who needed help. When I finally left, he lamented to all who would listen that I never gave him a chance. Well, yes I did, and multiple times. But that chance was predicated on his accepting his role and responsibility in this mess, which he refused to do. I couldn't allow myself to be belittled and emotionally battered any longer -- I did what I needed to do to preserve my health, and I left. To this day (5 years later) he still doesn't get it, but it's not my problem. And that is a liberating thought!

When you can, when you're healthier and stronger, do try to step back a bit and look at your dynamic with a critical eye. While you feel compassion toward your partner, what about compassion for yourself? Do the two of you share an unhealthy script that needs to be rewritten? And are you both willing and able to revise that script? If one of you is not, is it time to put the script on the shelf and go in another direction in the writing of your life?

Sending you warmth and white light.....

Tracey
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