OK, so I really don't want to infringe on the space of my DW, but I would like to make a post regarding our current situation. I probably won't post beyond this one because I want my DW to have a space where she can express herself and I don't want her to hold back for fear of hurting me.
For starters, I believe that the situation is immensely more complex than DW has explained it to be. I also understand that when dealing with emotions between two people, the relationship is complex enough. Throw more people into that and it gets exponentially more complex.
That said, I have seen a lot of assumptions made about me and the current situation that I believe have stemmed from a lack of information. I'm here simply to provide my perspective because I do care very much about how my DW feels.
OK. I spent an hour writing an epic tale of everything that's going on. I realized that I was being far to verbose and bringing up a lot of things from the past that didn't need to be brought up. So I'm cutting this down to what is, I believe, relevant.
For starters, I fully acknowledge that I am a control freak. it's taken me a long time and hours with a therapist to come to terms with that and work through that.
My post here is not intended to come across as anything more than a one time explanation of my perspective.
For starters, I have been polyamorous since circumstances beyond our control forced my then-GF and I apart. I have never been able to stop loving her, and god help me I've tried. I think part of that has stemmed from a lack of closure on our relationship.
2 years ago, we reconnected on that huge social network. We talked for several hours a day for a couple weeks. We talked everything out and I did find the closure I was looking for on that aspect of my life. We were both in different places at that time. We just kind of stopped talking because we didn't have anything more to talk about.
A little over a month ago, she reached out to me again on the same social network. A week or so after we started talking quite regularly, she told me that was and always has been in love with me. This was a bombshell for me, since she had implied the opposite two years ago. It was also a shock for her that she actually admitted it to me.
Here's some of the complexity of our predicament.
- Everyone involved was raised Mormon. Why is this a complexity? Well, because it's Mormonism.
- She states that she's happily married. She has no desire to leave her spouse. I have no desire to leave my spouse.
- Her and her spouse are very active, practicing Mormons. My DW and I are not. As such, our view on morality is quite different than hers.
- I have been very open with my DW regarding my feelings for her. She has not.
- So far, the only thing that her DH knows about me is what her parents have told her. Which isn't good.
- Until a month ago, she had no concept about what polyamory is, whether emotional or physical. So she's still trying to figure this whole thing out.
- She has no idea what to tell her husband or how to tell him.
- The fact that she is in love with two men is a concept that she has never considered. It's something that she's trying to sort out internally.
I think there's more than that, but that's a good list so far.
So, just to clarify a couple of things.
When DW and I started talking about reconciling, I did stated a desire that we not have an open marriage and being polyamorous was the furthest thing from my mind at that point.
My ... whatever she is ... and I have not had sex. At present, we're not planning on it. That's not to say that the desire isn't there. We were sexually active together 11 years ago and the chemistry is still very much there. At this point, though, it's simply not feasible.
I do not feel as though I am cheating. My DW knows everything. I have tried to keep her in mind throughout this full process. That said, I do think that she's cheating on her DH. I don't like that. I've encouraged her to talk to her DH about me and about what she's feeling. I do not, however, have the right nor ability to try and force her to do anything. At present, I feel strongly that she knows her relationship with her DH much better than I do.
I understand that controversy that surrounds cheating. I have encouraged her, numerous times, to come clean to her spouse. But I hold the position that it's not my place nor my call to make.
Right now, she's afraid that he'll try to make her stop talking to me. But she also understands that she needs to do it.
We have not seen each other but a couple of times in the 5 weeks since we've reconnected. But we have talked nearly every day.
MrFarFromRight, I do not believe your inference to be accurate at all. The reason that we separated was because she wasn't happy and I didn't know why. We had developed issues talking to each other about how we were feeling. She wanted me to do things differently, but she wouldn't tell me what they were. I asked her if she wanted to move out because I didn't like seeing that she wasn't happy.
I asked her to end the openness of our marriage because at the time, she was talking quite regularly to another man, a relationship that she hid from me until I discovered it and that I was never comfortable with as a result. She also, contrary to what she would say, had sex with him in retaliation against me because she was mad at me. I asked her to remove the open nature of our marriage because at that point, what I felt we needed to do as focus on our relationship more than our relationships with other people.
And I do hold some resentment toward the assumption that I change the rules to suit my own whims. Actually, you make a lot of assumptions in your comment that are fairly inaccurate.
As it currently sits, I do spend time with my DW. Prior to my ... whatever she is ... coming back into the picture, DW and I set up some guidelines, at the advice of our counselor, that we try to adhere to. I haven't given up on that and I still do my very best.
There are periods in the day when I interact only with her. There are periods of the day, though, when she's in bed and I have late night work I have to do that my ... whatever she is ... and I chat while I work. We don't talk at all during the day on the weekends. But her and I are night owls ... our spouses are not.
At the end of the day, I still don't know what the end result is. Neither does she. The only thing that I do know is that yes, this relationship does fit into a polyamorous mold. The truth is, I wish I didn't have feelings for her anymore. I want to be completely monogamous. But I'm not willing to give her up, either. Doing so the first time, even though I had no control over it, has been one of the biggest regrets of my life.