Nice to know I'm not just a "whore"
My whole life, I've had trouble with the following, anguished, inner question: "Why can't I just love them BOTH?!?"
More than once, I have found myself in a happy, loving relationship, only to meet others, become absolutely enamored and have the urge to explore...all without wanting to lose the current lover. I have found myself fantasizing that they just "let me taste." Eventually, becoming inwardly frustrated at what I perceived was the impossibility of this request and outwardly resentful to the s/o for reasons I usually never even hinted at, I would cheat, end the relationship or both.
It never occurred to me that there was world outside of the monogamous relationship formula. I volunteered with the Gay community from a young age (18) where I worked to create awareness that sexual orientation is not a choice (I myself am a Bi-curious female with men being my primary attachment) so in hindsight, it's kind of crazy to me that I would spend so many years "in the closet" so to speak about my own orientation as a non-monogamous creature.
I have been called every name in the book, from "whore" to "selfish cunt." I have been accused of being a "serial monogamist"--someone who throws herself completely into a committed relationship then burns out and throws herself into another. I have to say, this has been at times a fair assessment.
About seven years ago I became involved with a subculture notorious for libertarian ideals. Within this subculture, a couple years later, I became friends with a group of people who have been in the past, sexually liberated with one another: They have exchanged partners interchangeably on a mainly monogamous basis over the years--everyone has dated everyone else with little residual drama. All have a deep regard and respect for one another and while many have moved on to more traditional monogamous relationships, they remain open-minded and accepting of the few who remain otherwise. Miracle of miracles, these lovely people let me into their inner circle.
So, it was about five years ago, that I became particularly close with one of this group's members. I had just begun to label myself "not capable of monogamy" and had all these theories about the divorce rate and whether or not human beings were built to be monogamous, but I still didn't "get" the concept of polyamory as a valid orientation. I was loosely aware of "swinging" as a lifestyle choice but sadly, retained a lot of biases and 70s-era stereotypes in my head about this.
So this person, we'll call him "rockstar," is a very busy musician type but very, very bright. At some point, he disclosed to me his "lifestyle" as a swinger and we began to have earnest, intelligent conversations on the topic. I finally felt comfortable talking about my "humans as non-monogamist animals" theories, and later, after he'd validated a lot of my intellectual feelings on the matter, I felt comfortable redefining myself. I am so grateful for this friendship.
My current set of challenges involve "coming out" to myself and finally, to my soon-to-be-ex-husband who has very traditional, monogamist values. All attempts at frank, rational conversation with him on the topic led to more and more mistrust and restrictions and finally, to violent arguing (things thrown, lots of screaming) and verbal abuse.
I am now working on putting myself in a financially stable situation so that I can move with my son to New Orleans--a city more accepting of my "proclivities" where I have friends and am happy.
I am new to this, but I think I'm comfortable with the following ideal:
1. I want a "primary" with whom I am also the "primary."
2. I'm pretty sure I want a non-monogamous but secure, committed relationship with this primary where there are "safe sex circle" rules.
3. I want both myself and the primary to be free to have both sexual intimacy as well as the liberty to love others of each primary's choosing--so long as the primary relationship is not placed at risk.
4. I want ALL parties to be treated with the same amount of respect and love and honesty. The "satellite" relationships might not have as much choice in the workings of my relationship with my "primary," but their feelings will matter. Their rights and value will matter.
"Rockstar" has become a pivotal person in my life, BTW...a sort of mentor, friend, outlet and role-model among other things, so remember that name because he will come up in my future posts here.
For now, I appreciate the existence of this outlet and what ever healthy information I can glean here that will help me develop my sense of self and avoid some painful mistakes along the way.
Thank all of you for existing.