Thanks for replying guys. I will keep searching around the site for those things you suggested.
I'd rather not be the one to say what they have or haven't done. If my husband wants to post about that then he can. Yes, they are going behind her husband's back and I would feel much better if there were no secrets and we could all move forward and work through this. But there isn't much I can do about that.
My polyamory has been more emotional than physical. I didn't go about it the right way though. Kept secrets that I was talking to people from my husband and let the communications take me away from time with him. I really didn't understand what I was doing and why and am still trying to figure that out about myself.
There have been times when my husband hasn't told me about things that have gone on with other people but I will leave it at that.
At one point a few years ago we did try to let someone into our marriage that my husband was interested in. I don't think our marriage was ready for that and things got out of hand. In the end the other relationship was ended.
So given our marriage history I have been worried about setting down the rule of monogamy. I really did(do) want to try and fix our marriage. My partner was asking for monogamy and I wanted to respect that that is what he needed. Having an open marriage only works if both are onboard.
My knee jerk reaction is to say yes he is now changing the rule because it fits what he wants but neither of us foresaw this person coming back into his life.
When he first came to me about wanting her in his life I told him to go and figure it out. But I struggle with emotions when he is out seeing her. And I am overly concerned about him getting hurt if this all ends badly so I tend to be pushy about the situation.
How much of a say do I have in all this? I don't want to be pushy and make the situation worse by being a stressor. I want to be supportive and sensative to his feelings. I'd hope he'd be that way for me.