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Old 04-12-2011, 08:51 PM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
Posts: 718

Originally Posted by koifish View Post
Kinda harsh
I didn't mean to be harsh... and there are others saying (without my long-windedness) what I'm saying.
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
I was going to avoid talking to him about my feelings, because he is sad, but now I'm thinking I should anyways.
I'm glad to see that you've changed your mind on this! May I suggest you search the term "non-violent communication" (also under "NVC")? Please don't think that I'm accusing you of violent communication! I just want your talks to have the best chance of success. And if he's sad (or angry) now, a little extra care about wording on your part could make a lot of difference.
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
As for me and my stuff with the wedding. I have a tendency to run away slightly with fantasy. Maybe because I've spent so much time ill and dreaming vividly of nicer things. The stuff with the wedding was exacerbated by the triad, though.

I felt alienated by the relationship and unhappy and would withdraw into the distraction of planning. He would be playng with GF and keeping her happy, without keeping promises to me about getting stuff done. I would get upset at his being a flake. He and that I was in my own head planning and not listening to him enough. With GF, there was something to escape to, things need not have been dealt with with the wedding for him.
You're confirming some of my earlier fears here: You write that he "would withdraw because I was upset that he wasn't helping" [with the planning for the wedding] and that you "have a tendency to run away slightly with fantasy [...] I felt alienated by the relationship and unhappy and would withdraw into the distraction of planning."

It seems that both are forms of escaping. Consider the possibility that you were escaping from dealing with the problems of your relationship (some of which - but perhaps not all? - had to do with the GF) into the fantasy world of weddings, being a bride [you wrote that he preferred a much simpler wedding with just a few friends], and "happily ever after", while he was escaping from the idea of the wedding - and perhaps(?) even of marriage - into the fantasy world of his NRE with her.

If he has doubts about getting married - or about getting married according to your conditions ("But I would never do this like this again." - What if that's what he wants?) then you really are better off postponing the wedding until you clear this all up.

You mentioned several times on that other thread your concerns about finance: that you couldn't afford to do this without his parents financial support, that friends who had already bought plane tickets might decide to back out if they knew that you were poly...

Do you know how much a divorce can cost?

Getting married as a way of saving a relationship is about as crazy as having a child to save a relationship (though not as disastrous... because there's not a child to suffer as well). If he's reluctant about getting married, you need to decide if the dream is heading towards nightmare.
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