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Old 04-12-2011, 08:27 PM
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ray ray is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819

I've decided to give a summary of "the backstory" regarding O and I. Just in case you haven't read about it and aren't sure of what I'm talking about when I refer to it. And since O isn't here to give his side, I'll do my best to present his perspective objectively.

O and I became friends last february through Krav Maga. He was engaged to A. I'd never dated anyone and was in the process of leaving a cult-like church. After much beating around the bush, we began officially dating in June a week before their wedding. When we established the relationship, we laid out some expectations regarding who should know and how to act around certain groups of people.

On his side,

he emphasized how A's parents/family couldn't find out. He initially told me that he didn't want to come out to his friends (non Krav Maga) given the proximity to the wedding. We decided, at the time, to remain in the closet regarding the people we train with. No specific expectations were laid down about that particular group.

I didn't want my parents or any of the Christian circle I knew to find out. Other than that, I was pretty open.

As we began to settle into things, I remember being a bit surprised about how flirtatious he was at training. It was a bit of a mixed message from, we're not going to tell them to we're going to dangle it in their faces. He would always tell me to relax, that I didn't need to worry so much about people finding out. For instance, playing intense games of footsie while eating dinner with the in-laws. Him sneaking a grope while his in-laws weren't looking. At training, he made no pretense, regularly bantering (sexually), groping me in front of people. That sort of thing. And I mean, the kind of flirting that makes people roll their eyes and think, for the love of God, get a room!

At one point, I asked him, what do I do if some one from training confronts me or us about this? Maybe they saw us doing something or just figured it out. His answer was, "it depends." According to him, it depended on the person and what information they had. But he didn't really give me any kind of plan or straight answer.

So we'd been dating for eight months when I was hanging out with a friend from training, Connor. No interest there, just friends. I said something and Connor began asking me a lot of questions and I asked him to drop it and he kept going. Finally, when it was obvious to me that he pretty much knew, I was like, ok, fine, we're together. I explained that we weren't having an affair and I wasn't trying to break up their marriage. I swore him to secrecy and then the next day I email O and told him briefly what happened.

Aside: earlier this year, O had a party and Connor drank way too much and puked all over O's bathroom. And Connor wasn't known for being the most discrete person at training.

Fast forward a few days and over text message, O tells me that I have betrayed him and he wants to go back to being "just friends". He says he can't trust me and I've endangered his Krav Maga

I processed all of this and met with him and was like, hold up! You never told me that you expected me to deny no matter what. I was pressured into talking about it. And Connor is a friend. He's not going to do anything with the information. Besides everybody kind of knows anyway. I argued that this was more of a communication issue that a trust one. He hadn't communicated his expectations fully so it wasn't fair to make that huge of a decision with out giving me a chance.

His response was that he sees a difference between knowing and suspecting. If some one has no evidence, ie a direct confession, email transcripts, dna, then they can only suspect. He claimed that he didn't care if some one suspected. As long as they didn't know. I pointed out that some one can ruin some one based on rumor and heresy. I pointed out that we'd acted in a way that raised a LOT of suspicion and people would be able to make trouble based on that. He said that if some one were to do that, that he would basically manipulate and intimidate them into stopping. I say that's overestimating your ability to control the world.

At the end of that conversation, he told me that he understood that we'd miscommunicated a bit but he just needed to end it anyway and he vaguely cited risk and time management. He said multiple times that he forgave me and wasn't angry but that he was very hurt. Earlier in the conversation, it had seemed that we'd resolved the whole Connor 'scandal' so I didn't think that that was central. In addition, I thought to myself, that I was uncomfortable with some of his "methods" for staying in the closet.

For instance, my parents would stop supporting me financially if they found out. So I'd work hard to keep them from finding out. Those are big consequences. But my friends, who care about me, who let me make my own choices, find out, I don't really feel it's that bad. It's a risk you take in a relationship like this.

Fast forward some more, he sent an apology email, just being like I always had good intentions, I'm sorry that you're hurt, I hope we can be friends.

I responded, asking him to really explain himself and stop bullshitting me. I asked him to take responsibility for his actions.

He sent me a response, opening with a sorry, I could have handled this better and then took the rest of the letter to explain how I'm not good enough at deceiving people. He basically said that I can't maintain the level of secrecy and security he desires. That I accidentally betrayed him and Connor is an "immature and irresponsible punk" and his "enemy forever." (Connor, although not perfect, has apologized for his role in this and was the one who has kept me on suicide watch at his house while I really needed it) O has told me that because of me our teacher may prohibit him from training? which honestly, everyone that I've asked about it has been like, that's ridiculous. And the other thing is that no one that now knows has gone and blabbed about it. O's training hasn't been touched.

At this point, I've stepped out of negotiations. O refused to organize a temporary training schedule so i'm only able to go one day a week. I'm hoping to attempting going back to classes where he is by the end of the month. I don't yet know if I'll feel comfortable interacting more than is necessary. And I have to be careful not to endanger my emotional health, as I am still in a rather fragile state.

So there it is, I hope that is a reasonably fair account of the events. I have tried to understand his logic and explain even if I do not agree with it.
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