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Old 09-24-2009, 05:48 PM
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River River is offline
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Location: NM, USA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jryyc1 View Post
My husband wanders quite long-faced through the days right now. That's hard. It pulls me down, too (we both work from home offices). He IS reaching out to some friends who, perhaps, have navigated similar waters. Unfortunately they're out-of-country for a couple of weeks, but hopefully that will eventually help.
Jryyc1,

Can we at least give you a fictitious name, a psudonym? It's hard calling you Jryyc1 while being so intimate -- and, anyway, I like you.

I don't know how good and open communication is between you and your husband. But I fear that unless the two of you can now deepen in trust, in love, in faith in one another, in enthusiasm about the challenges you are collaborators in facing..., things could snap, could fall apart.

I urge you to be at your best, and give your best, with your husband at this time -- and to encourage and support his best.

Your old relationship patterns should be understood as in great flux. Each day will have to be new, and on its own terms. You're both rushing headlong into the unknown. You're both greatly challenged by this -- and somehow you have to get to a place in which you are both treating each other as allies and collaborators and mutual support in these changes and challenges you're facing/entering.

Yes, spend time with your new boyfriend -- but, if he will welcome it, spend yet more time with your husband. Do everything you can to communicate--and demonstrate--to your husband that you are 120% there for him, that you do not intend to leave him, that you want to grow with him, ... whatever is TRUE about the love you have with him. Let him know -- if it is true -- that the two of you are solid. That he rocks your world. Provide him with no reasons to feel threatened or abandoned. Moreso, encourage him to TALK about, and to feel -- to express his feelings, his insecurities, his fears.... Help him to open up to all of that, and welcome it all, and in doing so put the expressed fears to rest in a comfortable and safe place that the two of you creatively manifest together. Ritualize it, if necessary. Make a ritual up -- be silly, if necessary. PLAY! Serious play.

Again, WELCOME his expressions of fear or insecurity regards your caring for this other man. Do not defend against these expressions of feeling. Do not feel threatened or hurt by what is unreal in these expressions. Look deeply, with tenderness, into the situation, his pain, his fear..., and empathise. Open your heart to it all. And LOVE HIM in it, as this.

It is not only he who is being challenged, and will be challenged, by these transformations and potential transformations. You will have to go through your own intense challenges. You may find that you have some resentment toward him for this or that. Perhaps you resent the lack of erotic intensity in your relationship? (Or...?) If this sort of thing goes unexpressed it can build up and grow toxic. But if the two of you can become allies in these challenges, collaborators in mutual healing, you'll be amazed at what can happen! New, and bigger joys than you may imagine. Bigger love than you could dream.
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Last edited by River; 09-24-2009 at 05:54 PM.
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