View Single Post
Old 04-12-2011, 06:27 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,774

Beodude, Jen loves you. She loves you. She loves you. Don't forget that.

Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
It hurts that she wants more than me. That I can't give enough love, enough sex, enough anything for her to be happy. It just absolutely kills me, since I am happy with everything I get from Jen.
I really feel for you, I do.

Okay, so this might be hard to explain, but you are hurting yourself; she is not hurting you. For some reason you have interpreted Jen's ability to love more than one person as meaning that there is some deficiency or inadequacy in you. NOT TRUE. It is not about being enough or not enough for her. Try to get that in your head. You seem to think about your relationship as something where the two of you are supposed to fulfill each other's needs, rather than a loving partnership in which you experience life together.

I know she has said that when she realized she could have feelings for someone outside of your relationship that she felt something had been missing til then. That does not mean that the things that were missing were about you at all. I suspect the thing that was missing was simply acknowledgment that it was possible. It's possible for you too. Aren't there numerous people in your life that you feel love for? Why does Jen's desire to expand that love into something sexual, with the right person, threaten you so much? I'm not asking that glibly, but saying that to you as something to ask yourself and examine closely.

This insecurity and feeling inadequate is something that is there in you all the time, and has been triggered by this new chapter in your marriage. But it is yours to look at and decipher - with compassion for yourself. I think every time you tell yourself you are not enough for Jen, you need to step back from it and look at where in you that statement comes from. What other times in your life were you feeling "not enough?" It might have started in early childhood, and is a familiar feeling, but that doesn't mean it's valid or true. You are enough. This I know, even without knowing the two of you personally. You are enough. And Jen loves you.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 04-12-2011 at 06:29 PM.
Reply With Quote