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Old 04-12-2011, 04:28 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
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How do I write this tactfully? I think that you have to work out your feelings before you get married. ("You" plural [you and your fiancÚ], but also "you" singular [koifish].) I'm reading between the lines here and am admittedly rather confused. I contributed 2 comments on your other thread: " I was just outed involuntarily 5 weeks before my wedding" which you asked the moderators to close before resolving your problem.

(Or do you now consider it resolved because the GF has left the relationship, making the being outed "irrelevant"?)

A few quotes from that thread:
"My fiance and I have known each other for 15 years. Last fall we became involved with a woman.
They all
[your parents and your step-mother] say they are sad and disappointed and question why we are getting are getting married, even. They say the idea of our marriage has really been tarnished in their eyes and that when we have people come to our wedding who don't know about our third, that we are lying to them and betraying them. One of them said she specifically does not want our third at the wedding."

"My fiance now feels compelled to out us to his parents. This is horrible. I'm scared. [...] I don't know if his parents will want their financial contribution back. This will leave us with very little money for any kind of reception."

"I hope we decide we can wait to tell my fiance's parents so we can avoid that much more turmoil. [...] Right now I do not want to have to tell his parents. They are lovely and sweet and very religious and right now I love his dad more than my dad and they love me."

"I have to admit that I feel ashamed. Ashamed that other people know we've been doing this. My fiance is good at holding his head high. He'll even tell his parents, he says, before the wedding, and he doesn't worry about the consequences.
Me, I'm hanging my head right now. I am afraid for his family to know. They're important to me and their disapproval would bother me a whole lot. I like them more than most of my family.
I'm afraid of the unknown of telling them weeks before our wedding. I just have a hard time believing everything will be okay. It feels more like stepping off a cliff."

"Is this worth risking my relationships to my family over?"


And about your triad:
"She wants to be on completely equal standing with us right now, and always has, so the wedding sort of constantly upsets her. We were engaged 9 months before we met her.
When it's good with us, it's good. But that has been well under half the time."

"I care very much for our third and so does my fiance."

"I don't know if I am cut out for this. You may have read my other posts about being sick and polyamorous."


One of the pieces of advice I gave you on that thread was:
"[Don't] make your in-laws feel that you were being sneaky and dishonest by keeping quiet until after they'd paid for the show. The way things are now, they will find out someday. Wouldn't it be better to be honest and trust to their affection? Otherwise they will resent. [...] I think that if I were one of your fiancÚ's parents, financed the wedding, and then found out that you had kept us in the dark, partly out of fear that we would not pay for it if you'd been honest with us, I would feel manipulated and well pissed off!"

So... I have a few questions:
1) You've known your fiancÚ for 15 years, and you've been engaged what? 15 months? For how long were you a couple before you became engaged?
I bring this up because (you know this) there's this thing called NRE which would mean that your fiancÚ would be - for a while - more excited with a new relationship (about 6 months old at the time she called it quits?) than with someone that he's been loving for years. But - reading between the lines - you seem quite young to me, and I doubt that all those 15 years of "knowing each other" were as a couple.

2) Have you really changed your feelings towards the GF that much? (On the other thread, you had your doubts, but "When it's good with us, it's good. [...] I care very much for our third and so does my fiance." whereas on this thread you haven't got one good thing to say about her inclusion in the relationship.) Or is it that you were "putting on a brave face" before, whereas now you're being more honest with yourself about your pain and your dissatisfaction with the triad?

3) Are you poly... or were you just going along with your fiancÚ's wishes? (This isn't meant to be judgemental, believe me: There's no shame in declaring that polyamory isn't for you. And I think that both you and your fiancÚ need to be clear about this before you take the big step of getting married.)

4) Just how much of your present negative feelings about the GF's role in the triad are really due to this sense of shame (in the face of family and friends) about admitting that you're poly?

5) There's a common feeling re: budding poly relationships: "Am I not enough for him/her? Why does (s)he need another love?" Your parents (and stepmother) obviously ask themselves this question about your relationship with your fiancÚ. My question: Do you ask it? Even subconsciously?

+++

I have had a LOT of experience of listening to others' emotional crises. In the beginning, I would listen to A crying about how B was treating A really badly, and I'd agree that B was a real shit. Then I'd hear B's side of the story, and I'd see that B wasn't really such a shit. B had their reasons...

This happened often enough so that nowadays, my attitude is: "Wow, A! I feel for you. That sounds rough!... But what's B's take on this?" And even if I never hear A's side of the story, I'm aware that A has one.

I'd really like to read your fiancÚ's and the GF's feelings about all this.

I come back to the following point because it might save a lot of future heartache - and expensive dealings with lawyers:
Please, please! Do not go through with this wedding until you've got some basis issues well worked out and understood by both of you!

I apologise if I come across as the heavy guy. I wish you the best. Believe me. (I wouldn't have spent the last hour composing this comment if I didn't.)
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-12-2011 at 10:43 PM.
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