Thanks River. Helpful. Your earlier thoughts about "does he truly know I love him" and your comments about fuck buddies and lovers (above) are really powerful.
A lot of things going on here. My husband wanders quite long-faced through the days right now. That's hard. It pulls me down, too (we both work from home offices). He IS reaching out to some friends who, perhaps, have navigated similar waters. Unfortunately they're out-of-country for a couple of weeks, but hopefully that will eventually help.
I am reaching out too--lunch yesterday with a very open-relationship friend (past "friend with benefits" and maybe resumed in the future) and got some good insight from him. Coffee today with a friend who's in a 3-way relationship...strangely facing a bit of judgement from him, but I value his wisdom.
Then date-night tonight with my boyfriend. This will be a huge test, for sure. My husband is well aware of where I'll be. I believe that I must simply continue to live and act as normally as possible--and that includes building a closer friendship with my boyfriend. After all, the word "friend" is part of boyfriend. Big goal tonight is for boyfriend and me NOT to wallow in the problem, but just hang out and enjoy, fuck if we feel like it, or just eat pizza if we don't.
I'm going to dig through the threads of this site and try to find more info on people who have struggled, and eventually succeeded in accepting/celebrating polyamory, from my HUSBAND's viewpoint. I'm sure some of them must be on here. I realize it must be much easier for me, since I'm the one who tumbled into a secondary relationship.