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Old 04-12-2011, 06:25 AM
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ray ray is offline
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@ Mohegan - Yeah, I've been trying to take some solace in the eventually time healing factor. It certainly doesn't feel like it most days. Although, I guess I do feel better than a did a few weeks ago, so there's progress.

Sunday's yoga class lifted my mood considerably. The teacher always gives an opportunity to set a goal or intention at the beginning of class. It's something you try to carry through out the class and then remember that it can continue beyond. I decided to focus on extending compassion to myself. It ended up being a very moving and comforting experience. Just accepting myself and my emotions where they are. And knowing that it is ok to feel pain and loss. Or to be scared. And it's a physically challenging class so it feels good knowing that I worked hard and what not.

Three days a week, people from my martial art meet at a friend's garage for conditioning/extra training. For a long time, it's been an important aspect of my social life. O started this and he kind of is in charge but he doesn't have to to be there for it to go on. And he refused to give up any of the days so that, even temporarily, so that I could come and train with my friends as well. It's a small, social setting and I don't feel okay being there with him but I really miss it. I stopped by as things were winding down after he'd left today. And it was good to be there but I felt so sad knowing that I feel shut out of something that I cared deeply about.

That's one of the things about this break up that's been very difficult. My primary support system was O, his friends and Krav Maga friends. And after we broke up, I essentially got cut off of the majority of my support system. At this point a few people have been working clandestinely with me to support me. I have greatly appreciated all they've done and are doing but I still feel like I'm left out or because I can't be okay around O (decided by me and my therapist) I'm unable to be a part of the things that were always there for me. I just don't see any good solutions for the time being.

I also feel that O is being incredibly hypocritical. He's a mentor to a lot of people in Krav Maga and most everyone looks up to him. He hasn't taken responsibility for his actions or even apologized to me in person. He claims that I was endangering his Krav Maga career when he frequently acted with absolutely no discretion. I just found out that one of our friends saw us making out on a street corner near his house while we were dating. O constantly initiated that kind of behavior in public and around the people we train with. And somehow I was supposed to magically assume that keeping it an actual secret was of the utmost importance? I was always thought it was a wink wink nudge nudge, oh sure we're not together.

If he'd come to me and said, hey, I can't do poly, it's risky and I'm stressed out, I would have been devastated but I could have understood. Or "I need to save my marriage." But instead, I got an email about how he believes that I don't have adequate deception skills and that means he's done. In my mind, you don't get to bitch about a secret getting out if you dangle it in everyone's face like he did. He should have known that a) everyone pretty much knew anyway and b) that shit's gonna get out sooner or later.

Grrr, I could keep ranting but I doubt anyone wants to read that. It does feel good to vent occasionally, though. And I have class tomorrow so I should probably sleep.
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