All of this is really challenging:
Don't let my discomfort in seeing them in pain make me shut down
hold them when the want to be held
Leave when they want me to go (but be close by)
Listen when they want to talk
Wait when I don't know what to do next
I'll add one more: Don't take the grieving person's actions personally.
You are totally right, though. That's what I need to do. I did some more reading about grief, and those things are what's needed. I'm settling in for the long haul.
My wedding is quickly approaching and I'm trying to keep my heart out of my throat. I think he has moved away to some degree from the caustic anger.