Oy, now people in this thread are challenging what I'm doing/done. Thanks, that's just what I need. Not. Let s/he who is without sin cast that first stone. There is NO exact science to how polyamory is done, and I'm in my own process.
Having fuck buddies/sexually open relationship (which str8 poly's seem to call "swinging," a word I find strange and linked to the 60s, but to each their own) has been OK with my husband. He has, however, always wanted a "don't ask/don't tell" situation. I'm aware that this is very common in the gay open-relationship world.
If you read my original post, you see that the intent when I met my boyfriend was NOT to fall in love with the guy; it was supposed to be a quick fuck. Alas, the chemistry between my boyfriend and me has led to more than that. I'm not here to be judged for that. Believe me, I'm getting enough judgement from my husband.
My exposure to "polyamory" has been through reading The Ethical Slut. I've tried to get my husband to study it, too. I know many people on this site aren't crazy about that book, but it resonates for me. Husband is starting to read it, but recently called it "propoganda," so there's obviously work ahead.
Because of Ethical Slut I began to realize that I could have more meaningful experiences with my fuck buddies, and as that happened I began trying to be more and more transparent with my husband.
When I introduced my husband to my boyfriend, the boyfriend and I were just beginning to realize that we were falling for each other for more than sex. So I believe I have done my best to be transparent with my husband about the boyfriend relationship. Husband seemed ok to call it "friends with benefits," which is another common gay-world term.
To me, that term also should work for us, and maybe still does. And as has been written, it's great to love your friends, and yes, love has many meanings. But "boyfriend" is cleaner, and really describes what's going on, at least for me. Boyfriend and I are, likely, in the "honeymoon" phase of knowing each other, which doesn't make any of this easier.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend's relationship with HIS husband seems to be so clean and easy, and his husband 100% supports him having a secondary relationship with me. But boyfriend is also pushing back at me...saying he doesn't want to be a homewrecker or forced into connecting with me in secret (which, btw, is not even a consideration for me) if my husband doesn't begin to accept the fact that I am living in polyamory. Ugh.
Ultimately, there is only one acceptible outcome in my view: that my husband somehow comes up to speed on the fact that I am able to continue as his husband, loving him fully while loving another man in the uniqueness of that secondary relationship, and that the two are not mutually exclusive.
How to get there, preferrably with relative speed, is the challenge.