Well, we had our break! It was pretty nice I guess. We had a small set back last Tuesday where we discussed it for a minute. Then we had our first counseling session as a couple on Friday. It's a counselor that I see regularly that also does marriage counseling so she was more than happy to see him as well.
She did say that we have a great foundation for our relationship. We have a lot of love, and great communication. Other than disagreeing on the poly front, we don't have any problems. She was very neutral on the subject, and seemed supportive of both of us.. validated each of our feelings. I don't think it gave us much progress off the bat, but we go back on Thursday as she wants to get a little deeper in to hubby's history. It was nice to be able to get some direction to where his feelings were coming from.
Of course after a nice day, we had a misunderstanding that evening. We had had some drinks and ended up having a HUGE fight. A fight like we have never been in before. It both terrified, and devastated me. I have never seen hubby get that angry before, it was a side of him I hope I never see again, and it broke my heart that I caused it. The misunderstanding only started his anger, but he's angry because I am poly. He thinks I want to fuck every guy that I talk to, and that if I say that I love them, that means I want to screw them. I tell my friends I love them all the time, male or female, I'm a lovey person. I keep replaying a key part in my head and it makes me cry every time. After everything that he says bothers him, I'm afraid to look at my phone texts because he thinks I'm not giving him enough attention, I'm afraid to have facebook conversations, because he might think I'm talking to another guy, I'm afraid to talk to any male friends because I automatically must want to have sex with them, I'm afraid to ask to go anywhere because I don't want him to think I'm making him babysit while I'm partying. I was crying uncontrollably at one point and couldn't catch my breath and he came over and calmed me down and apologized until eventually I fell asleep.
The next day I had my first (on the roster) derby bout, and I just couldn't get in the mood. I was feeling down and depressed about the fight the previous night. He apologized and I calmly suggested maybe we shouldn't drink anymore. He seems to dwell on things more when he drinks. I don't drink very often, but I can't ask him to stop and not stop myself. After I got out on the rink I was feeling better and by the time we were done I was feeling pretty much back to normal.
Sunday we had a nice day, had a BBQ with a friend, had 3 of Drew's coworkers (including J) come over and watch the sleeping kids while we went on a skate date. Which brings up another issue... J was suppose to be in out of town (3 hours away) visiting family until the 23rd, and yet here he was at Drew's coworkers house (who is also our neighbor). At the same time, on Facebook, I see pics of him and his "GF" half way across the country, how much she loves him and that she's moving here after she graduates high school. So, I'm voluntarily stepping away. He hasn't told me any of this, but it's right out there on FB, so I don't know why he consistently lies about where he is going? It's not that I even really care. When I ask him where he's going on leave, I'm just making conversation. I really hope that she is who makes him happy, but I just don't understand why he can't just TELL me that. I still want to be friends but I'll let my hubby do the inviting over when we're all here, I'm not going to invite him over during the week unless he asks about it, and then I will keep it platonic as long as I know that they are still "together". Me putting any more effort into it on my part is too hard on me, because I DO have strong feelings for him.
Maybe sometime in the future if it doesn't work out with his GF, maybe we can try again if somebody else hasn't come along (if we can even come to an arrangement that works for hubby and I), but for now, keeping things platonic. I still really want him to be part of our family, the kids love him and he's a good friend, but I'm more and more certain now that as for as a romantic relationship with him at this point, it's just not going to work for me.
I told hubby I would probably dive into my friendships a bit harder for a while to help me keep my mind occupied and off of J, but that if somewhere along the line that I have any interest other than friends he will be the first to know. I don't want him to think that all of my friends are people I want to have a romantic relationship with.
Hubby and I discussed this today. I tried something new. I set the timer for 10 minutes, and I led the conversation, told him what I was thinking. Then set it for another 10 minutes and let hubby lead the conversation. Neither one of us needed the full 10 minutes and when it was over we hugged and kissed and continued on with the day.
He says he does better when he thinks of poly he just pushes the whole thought out of his head. I don't really see what's wrong with that. He doesn't need to think about it 24 hours a day. If we can keep it at 10 minutes each, once a week to discuss any changes that we might feel we need and reflect on the past weeks thoughts/feelings, why does it need to come up any more than that at this point? I just don't know what to do in the event of an "emergency" like the misunderstanding that happened on Friday. If he would have said something at the beginning, then it would have gotten straightened out before could get angry about it.
So that's been the update for the last week and a half. I'm hoping that it continues in a positive direction. We've had some setbacks.. some big, some small.. but I still think it's progress. I think it might improve now that there is no other person at the moment.