So it's been about 5 months since I lasted posted here and I thought it was about time for an update.
Bold's mother passed away in her sleep suddenly in mid January very unexpectedly and it hit him extremely hard. She was his support person through years of panic attacks, tutoring the last few years of high school at home and help with his phobias and depression. We had a bit of a rocky period as we both learnt to deal with the new situation and getting through it but we're getting much better at it now, I think.
In early March I proposed marriage and he agreed! His father has generously offered to pay for flights for us both so I'm visiting him in the States again in mid May then Bold is coming back to Aotearoa/New Zealand with me for 3 months while I finish up my diploma and then at the end of August we're moving back together to get married and live in the States. Fingers crossed that immigration approves my permanent resident application in time.
My feelings haven't really changed since my last post: I'm still deeply in love with him and want to be with him for the length of time I have in this world. I guess monogamy has lost a little of the novelty I felt with it at the end of last year but I think that's more of a settling of feelings and I still feel good about us being exclusive for now.
There is a little bit of discomfort in the pit of my stomach at the thought of how we'd deal with it if I do become interested/fall in love with someone else in future but I think that's just because I feel I handled it quite poorly last time and I don't want to hurt myself or him that way again.
I also feel a little sceptical about the idea that I could find another person that I'd want to make the effort to relate to romantically, who also accepted my existing relationship, and I honestly can't see any other relationship being long term. But! I'm trying not to close my mind to the idea of it. Anything is possible; even if it's highly implausible.