Originally Posted by curlyQhoopDidoo
It seems like somewhere in the roots of sympathetic joy is the idea of non-attachment, or the idea that we only hurt ourselves with attachment and the false sense of security it brings.
Has your experience with polyamorous relationships seemed more realistic at all, in the sense that you are less possessive of your loves and/or more accepting of the idea that (unfortunately) we will all have to say goodbye to one another eventually?
How has your experience helped you to be more true to yourself and to find your true identity?
Lastly, given the society that we live in and its prescribed ideas of heteronormativity and monogamy as a norm, what struggles have you had as you have challenged these ideas?
Has it been worth it? What would you say to the closed minded if you could tell them or try to teach them anything you believe in?
"Compersion" or as you are referring to it, "sympathetic joy" is difficult to achieve, but for me it doesn't have to do with attachment in the sense of co-dependence. I am very attached to my partners and am very grateful that they are in my lives and attached to me. Attached does not mean unable to move, live, make a decision, have my own path, have my own thoughts, feelings, adventures, dreams of the future.... and, have my own connection to myself as primary. I am first for sure, but I can't go about life alone. I need a mirror to reflect back in other people I trust and confide in. That is healthy attachment to me.
So often I think people think that they have to abandon all attachment in order to be successful in poly, in compersion, in a successful relationship life at all. Commitment and attachment are very important... I believe in "attachment theory" in raising my child (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory
) and believe in it for my own life. We are social creatures and need each other in order to be healthy. I chose who I want to be with to be healthy and work hard at keeping those relationships strong.
I think that when someone is jealous it is from a place of fear of losing someone's attention because they are overly dependant on the person that is seemingly moving away from them. It's not a marker of being overly attached so much as an indication of imbalance. Of not creating and finding within what is missing and depending unhealthily on another to "give" a sense of purpose and belonging.
There are a lot of people with a huge sense that they will be "hurt" by others and therefore should stay detached and distant from them. I find more and more that on-line life creates this for people. It is a false sense of safety that occurs on-line. Real relationships becomes overwhelmingly unsafe in appearance because the person is not capable or convinced that people are unsafe (I'm talking extremes here, but I have seen and heard of extremes).
The thing is, if I am safe to be close to and attached to, then shouldn't other people be just as safe? If I feel that I am a good person to trust, then aren't others? These are the questions that I ask myself... sometimes people turn out to be not trustworthy with my heart, sure, yet I push forward and find others to trust... and have!
The world is huge, there are others out there... finding them and trusting is all I have I reckon. Vulnerability is a huge part of that. I make myself vulnerable enough to attach and commit to others. They do to me.
I am not possessive, but I find that I have never really said good bye to anyone I have loved. They are always in my heart and send that love to them always... we are all connected, as I said before. That might sound flakey, but I really believe that more than ever we need each other.
We need to commit to each others well being and we need to be attached enough to be able to experience empathy/compassion... otherwise, I think we are all fucked; wars will go on, children will be abused, animals mistreated, elderly blown off, blah, blah,blah... everyone, at some point will be in pain simply because no one has stood up for them and loved them because they were too busy looking after number one and not paying attention. To love others is to love oneself. This means evolving our empathy by involving ourselves in others I think.