I never get to sleep with my boyfriend!
My boyfriend and I started out polyamorous and have been for 4 years. He always said "If you ever want to be monogamous, we can do that." Recently, I said "Let's be monogamous for a while, I'm having trouble dealing with my jealousy." Which began a huge argument.
The problem is, he has problems with sex. It's always been difficult for us to have a sexual relationship because he doesn't initiate sex, is never dominant, and had really bad experiences with past girlfriends and was even abused by a stranger one night while a cop just watched across the street and didn't help. Since the beginning, we have had many ongoing periods of celibacy.
In the last year, we just don't sleep together. It's been 1-4 times a month at most. It has become especially bad because he developed a nasty rash on his penis and balls and feels really self-conscious. Many times before, he has let me know that he was having trouble and could I not touch him or ask him for sex until he says it's ok, which I have agreed to. He never really makes it clear for me when it is ok again which is part of our problem.
The last two or three weeks were one of those times when he was feeling bad. After trying to wait patiently for so long, I broke down crying. When he was confused about why I was upset, he told me he thought he had let me know it was ok for me to initiate sex again because we had had sex a few days before (I thought it was just a one time thing and he thought that was saying "Ok, I'm fine now" without actually saying it).
So then, his reason for wanting to remain poly is that he doesn't want to hold me back from having sex and doesn't want to feel pressured to "take care of me" in that way. I am feeling SUPER jealous because our arrangement is so that we can both sleep with other people, but the thought of him with someone else fills me with feelings of inadequacy, rage, and helplessness. I feel not feminine enough (especially since he is very feminine and so are his girl friends), not sexy enough, just not enough.
When he does finally initiate sex, I feel like it's "now or never" and sometimes just force myself to do it even if I don't want to. I hate the pressure. Sometimes (very rarely) he'll just roll over in bed and poke me with his erection and I get so disgusted with him because he's not willing after all that time to take the time to seduce me. I've started to resent him when he jacks-off (which I never had a problem with before) because I feel like he's taking an opportunity away from me.
If I am allowed to sleep with other people, he should be too, right? But I feel like I am being forced into an agreement where he can sleep with others INSTEAD of me and I HAVE to seek people outside of the relationship to get my sexual needs met. It's not fun for me to sleep with other people anymore because we don't want each other to get emotionally attached and feel feelings of love towards people outside our relationship, but I feel cheap when I can't have a deep connection with the person I am being intimate with. I see sex as a sacred act and I feel like I'm not allowed to when I'm with others. I have to treat it cheaply when I'm with someone else, otherwise I'm betraying my boyfriend whom I love.
I am getting really depressed about this. I need sex but feel so guilty when I look at other men. We were talking marriage for so long, and now I don't know how it can work without me having a second boyfriend who I'm allowed to love. Again, that is outside our "comfort zone" or agreed-upon "boundaries".
I don't want to lose my boyfriend, he is my intellectual friend, my buddy, my companion to travel through life with. I love him so much. But this is so unhealthy to my psyche. I feel like I either have to sacrifice my morals and just do it with whoever (which just makes me feel disgusting to even think about), pressure my boyfriend constantly (which is awful because I respect him and wouldn't want that for either of us), or throw away my beautiful relationship because I need sex.
Oh, also, he doesn't want to be monogamous because he thinks that means he's not allowed to have friends especially since he usually has woman friends and he said he'd probably be jealous of me having friends because I usually have guy friends. I feel like my safety blanket has been ripped away and that I'm never going to be able to be monogamous with him.
I've suggested counseling (although we barely have the money to eat and have bills in collections) but he's so reluctant to even discuss it as an option.
Please help, I feel like we're falling apart.