I am having trouble following. You have a girlfriend that you have named "bf?" Is that it? Cause I am getting confused with "bf" meaning "boyfriend" as it often does. Am I to understand that you are cheating with her? Her husband doesn't know about your connection or that you had sex?
As for the husband thing. I got that you are married and your husband has a girlfriend that he wants to be with/live with, so you are getting divorced, yet you are still together? Why are you getting a divorce? Because she is mono? Because it has something to do with being in the military? Because you have both moved on from being that in love any more?
I don't use the primary/secondary description personally. No one is better than another to me. So if I were you I wouldn't assume I was secondary.
If you want to be divorced and still date your ex husband then fill your boots. Why not? That doesn't make his new girlfriend better or have any rights over you. Their relationship is their own and yours is your own with him also.
If the relationship with your girlfriend is to become more then you both will have to fess up and see if her husband is tolerant enough to deal with not only the cheating, but the fact that he has a poly partner. That is a lot to assume will work out. I suspect he will be very hurt and deceived...
It sounds like you have two relationships that are not solid and not all that serious in terms of commitment, depth and connection. Is this what you want? If so then I am not getting what the issue is. Just do your own thing and carry on. See them whenever you feel like it.
If you are not okay with this then you will have to start putting your foot down about what you want and do a heck of a lot of work to make sure you are getting your needs met. If they are interested in having that with you that is. They might not be.
To be frank, it doesn't sound like it... he sounds like he is moving on and just playing lip service to you until next year when he leaves you. and she sounds like she is just seeing if it is fun to be a lesbian or bi... she doesn't sound all that interested in having an above the board relationship with you. You are just convenient by the sounds of it. Or maybe I missed something?
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