So I really enjoyed the shel silverstein post. Also the statement about the pointlessness of worrying about the future.
Since my last post, I decided to take a little bit of time away from him. Not that much really, but we were spending a lot of time together. So we waited 5 days before we saw each other *which I realize isn't that much* but it was enough. Enough in the sense that we were both REALLY excited to see each other... He didn't hold back as much, I mean it's possible he was "holding back" from kissing me endlessly... but that's nothing something I care about necessarily. He was at least affectionate and sweet and his eyes did not lie about his feelings when I looked in them.
I have decided I am not going to hold back my feelings for him, but I don't want to smother him either. I painted him a painting and framed it and wrapped it and gave it to him yesterday. He loved it a lot. On the back of the paper in the frame, I wrote a short but simple message that told him I was willing to accept reality, whatever it changes to, but that I am still willing to hold on to my optimistic feelings his love will shine through. I also said it can't be helped where you find love.
We ended up talking, but enjoyably, about the situation and point of views for maybe 2 hours. It was nice getting to share my point of view in that things in the future are possible, not limiting, but that we also have to take it slow and not think about the future so much.
I ended up really realizing, maybe him more so realizing actually, that he is just scared of getting hurt again. His mom passed away from cancer when he was 10, and he's struggled with abandonment issues since. He just hates it when people he loves leave him. He has a huge wall up. This makes me apprehensive because I don't believe that it's anyone's job to make another person happy. He maybe is not ready for a relationship (of any kind) until he can realize that his wall hurts himself more than anyone. It leaves him thinking he's vulnerable, when really he needs to be strong without holding back on passion for life.
His ultimate reason for not wanting a relationship with me at this point is
-it's hard, difficult, unpredictable
-afraid that my husband will change his mind and our relationship could be cut short
- that he won't be able to fully fall in love with me or give me 100% and that he may still have an eye out for other women
- he isn't really comfortable with my being married, like he feels weird to hold a married womans hand. His idea of marriage is between one woman and one man, so he doesn't agree fundamentally (despite his declaration of being an atheist) that a spiritual marriage is possible between the two of us (because of my involvement with someone else)
To these issues, I explained:
- every relationship is hard, difficult, and unpredictable
- that my husband is aware and respectful of his feelings and has agreed to be fully honest and understanding of his involvement and would not end it like that after giving permission and accepting him for who he is.
- that 100% love can take time based on people's levels of trust and comfort, and that I can respect however much time he needs for him to feel safe in being himself and giving himself to me however much he can
- an eye for other women is strange to me because he claims he's monogamous so if he actually gave the situation a chance and "dated" me, he'd be monogamous..
- he needs to not worry about the future. Take it one day at a time. If he was considering marriage at some point in the future, he would have accepted the situation.
Ultimately I feel like my instincts are telling me to stick around and wait it out. When I get the feeling that there is no hope or nothing to be gained by sticking around, I may have to move on and let the relationship develop into friends. Since yesterday, I really felt he's letting himself feel it a little more than recently and cuddled me and hugged me more and just enjoyed spending time with me. He likes me a lot and despite all his talk of interest in "other girls" he has made no move towards going on a date with anybody else, and in some situations talks about wanting to be single to find himself if he's not going to be with me.