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Old 04-08-2011, 02:46 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FoCo View Post
She met Viktor at a conference in Maryland, and he lives on the east coast. We live in Colorado. I have only seen a picture of him. I have thought about asking if I could talk to him, but I have no idea what is appropriate and what is not. We've talked about it and one of the hardest things about non monogamy is that there are really no resources. We were figuring it out alone, and now that she wants to go poly, I do feel like I am being abandoned a bit.
Online Poly Resources for a start.

And, yes, you should talk to him, and maybe even run a background check as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FoCo View Post
She met him almost a month ago. . . . Last night we talked about it and now she wants to go see him in two weeks. I think all of you are correct that I am trying to own her, and it really makes me feel like an ass. I do not want to be like this and I am trying to come up with ways to stop doing it.
No need to feel like an ass. Don't should on yourself - you feel what you feel, plain and simple, and you also have the opportunity to examine your feelings and see what you can let go of, how to take care of yourself in all this, and how to express what is comfortable for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FoCo View Post
At the same time, I feel like a lot of you are basically saying, anything goes.
No one who responded here said "anything goes!" It's funny and perhaps quite telling that you interpreted our posts that way. You seem to operate with a very black-and-white way of looking at things. Either you're possessive or anything goes - interesting, eh?!! No, no, no -- what all of us said was to see if you can let go of possessiveness and codependency, communicate better, and negotiate. How is that "anything goes," LOL?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FoCo View Post
In four weeks we've gone to never even talking about poly to now we are poly and she wants to go hop on a plane (mind you we are both grad students and have no money) and she told me she thinks she is falling in love with him. Do I not have any reason to be concerned? Is that how most of you do this? If a partner wants something, the other one has to do it at the same pace?
Oy. So, she met him a month ago and has only seen him that one time when they met, is that correct? So, they've been talking/texting since then? And she says she's falling in love... I find that a bit hard to believe (and I'm someone who always considered myself as someone who falls in love easily). I think she's simply caught up in the heady euphoria of a new attraction. Furthermore, asserting that she wants to make this trip without any sort of discussion about whether it would be alright with you or not, indicates to me that indeed she has been dipped in the chemical bath of sexual attraction and isn't thinking clearly. See: Cupid has Something to Learn and other articles on that site. I also think, if making the trip is going to severely hamper your finances, it is rather inconsiderate of your wife to go and visit him now, especially at this point when everything is so new and you are struggling -- and you don't even know who he is! The need to look out for her safety is a huge factor. She needs to get her feet back on the ground, IMHO. You both would do well to slow down and talk more.

Does your wife read this forum? If not, perhaps you should suggest she register, introduce herself, and share her side of the story. It would help in how we all respond, to get a full picture of what's going on from both of your perspectives.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-08-2011 at 02:52 PM.
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