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Old 04-08-2011, 03:26 AM
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ray ray is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
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@ LR - your son sounds like a smart one. Yeah, it's nice to emerge from the fog at last.

@ Hannahfluke - Thanks! I'd love to get together again. I'll PM you.

At the beginning of this week, I got so excited to train that I think I overdid it. Right now, I'm very, very sore. All those random muscles I haven't used it awhile. On Wednesday, I worked with a different guy who does MMA and we had a great time. He was great to train with! I feel like a learned a lot. We did some groundwork but didn't think about the fact that we were on carpet. So, I have some rug burn. Lol. I had Tylenol for dessert tonight. I'm also thinking about checking out Kali, which is a Filipino weapons-based art.

Today, I was waiting for class and I got lost in a train of thought about O. I still feel so vulnerable and hurt about what happened I'm glad that I decided to cut off contact for awhile. It's allowed me to get stable and start letting go. I'm really nervous about reintegrating him back into things. Given how training works, I can't avoid him forever. Given how he acted, I don't trust him and he tends to be rather manipulative. So I'm thinking that when I return to training where he is present that it's best if we only interact as absolutely necessary. I'm just getting to a point where I can say, I don't need him to accomplish my goals or be happy in life. I don't want him to swoop in and destroy that.

For so many years, I've tried so hard to be capable and independent but, really, I have no idea what I'm doing. There's all this aspects of me that feel not in control and afraid and uncertain. I've been working on trying to establish some internal leadership(?). As much as this has been a rough process, I'm glad that I'm working on this now as opposed to 20 years in the future.

Things have been trending up ever since my breakdown. Maybe it was what I needed to jump start recovery. Like, I'm still down a lot but I feel like life is worth living and there are things to look forward too. And I know that people care. That is probably the most important thing. I'm kind of glad I did break down, otherwise I'd probably still be isolating myself and feeling incredibly miserable.

This weekend, I have a couchsurfer coming. He's staying for three nights, so I hope he's an interesting person. Otherwise it will be a very interesting weekend.
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