River: Astonishingly helpful already.
I get the "V" concept.
I do find myself very much loving two men, and understand that my feelings for one really have nothing to do with my feelings for the other, nor do they dimish in either case. My husband, on the other hand, feels like if I'm giving love/energy/time to my boyfriend, he (husband) is being shorted. Ugh.
The arguments of "we all have friends we invest with," "we give love and spend time with family/friends that take time away from our partnership" etc. don't seem to resonate for Husband. One of his HUGE things is the idea that Boyfriend and I may want to travel together (we do, in fact...I travel all the time, usually alone as Husband's career/schedule don't allow him to go often). Occasionally I've travelled with friends...and husband says "but that's different." Ugh ugh ugh. Sorry...I may be opening even more strings of thought. I'm generally REALLY patient, but feeling intense pressure (self-inflicted) to try and stabilize all parts of the ship in this storm.
What I don't know how to do is nudge/convince my husband to really open his mind and try to believe this is all possible. He's very, very strong in his beliefs about tradition.
He's said that in some ways he wishes I'd just gone off and had an affair, lasting or not, that he didn't know about. That damn word "ethical" is just too important to me.