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Old 09-23-2009, 06:04 PM
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River River is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jryyc1 View Post
He's feeling angry, threatened, confused, and NOT happy about the idea that he may need to allow me to share the endless love I believe I can give.
You've raised a bunch of issues and matters, Jryyc, to which I'd like, eventually, to respond, but let's start out with the above quote ... and take it from there.

I can fully empathize with both your experience and perspective and his. I don't see either of you as being more at fault than the other--, or even at fault at all.

Many or most people have been steeped in the notion that True Love, full love, real love... is and must be that which happens within a closed, or exclusive, dyad. Usually, the dyad in True Love is supposed to be both sexually and emotionally exclusive. So your husband isn't really at fault if he has the feeling-thought that takes up this sort of shape. He can be forgiven for it. You can be forgiven if you think-feel differently. He has every right to feel threatened, abandoned, hurt, or whatever. You have every right to believe it isn't necessary for him to feel threatened, abandoned or hurt.

There are opinions and there are facts. It is a fact that at least some people can love more than one person in a "romantic," loverly way, and do so fully with regard to each--with no lessening of the love in the original partnership. It is also a fact that, very often, the love--and the erotic bliss-- in the original coupling sometimes grows and expands when the couple opens up to include another in a "triad" or a "V". (Just ask if you're uncertain about these terms.) What this means is that it isn't on the basis of general fact that your husband should feel threatened by your loving another. It may be a fact that he feels threatened, but he may not understand all of the relevant facts. He may not understand that it is possible to be loved as fully, or even more fully, while you are also loving another. And this isn't primarily an intellectual comprehension, it's an emotional discovery. If you deeply love your husband, he'll be needing your help in making this inner movemement of discovery. That is, if you want to hold it together with him. It could break apart, but I don't think you or he wants that.

The only other available option, it seems to me, is for you to quit it with your new boyfriend and remain monogamous (emotionally -- since you are already sexually non-exclusive by agreement).

If you really, really want to hold it together with your husband, Jryyc, ...
--Well, if I were in your shoes, I'd have to take it upon myself to be strong support and guidance to my husband in swimming the lake he's crossing, if he so chooses to swim it. So how can you do that? How can you be strong support for and with him as he dives into himself in search of wisdom which might make this all work out better for each of you? If you wish to keep your boyfriend AND your husband, you must deeply realize that, indeed, your boyfriend--and the fact that you have a boyfriend--is no threat to your husband. What is more, you must deeply realize that the fact that you HAVE a boyfriend is no threat or harm -- or diminishment -- of your relationship with your husband -- or needn't be. If you stoke up your lovelight so bright and strong that it can dissolve all fears -- at least your own -- maybe it can bring warmth and illumination as your husband contemplates or makes the crossing he must make if you are to remain together and happy.
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