Thread: New...ish?
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Old 04-07-2011, 10:29 AM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Temptress View Post
I know this is a bit out of the box but... When I was reading the description of your situation it made me wonder about body language.
Sometimes when I am nervous or feeling unsure of myself my body language becomes very closed and defensive. It's not even something that I consciously intend to do and sometimes it does put people off. So what I did was read up about it and start correcting myself when I was throwing out the "wrong" signals and using more open body language.
Although it definitely didn't instantly put a relationship in my lap, it did make it easier for me to read others and for others to see that I wasn't actually closed to them.
I don't think that this is out of the box at all. How we feel about ourselves
Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused1 View Post
No one ever seems to be interested in me "that way," at least, no one I have ever been able to tell. [...] I guess deep down I worry that this means I am unattractive [...] I have seen people of all types, shapes and sizes at poly meetings happy with multiple partners, and their attractiveness or lack thereof doesn't seem to be an issue. [...] perhaps I am doing something wrong? Thanks!
gets converted into signals that other people do pick up on... and often become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Confused1, I've re-read your opening post and (this time) paid more attention to the words "I do want to". My first comment here emphasised the "don't worry if it doesn't happen" / "don't try too hard" aspect, because I think that if you see it as a test that you're failing, you're only going to spiral into more self-doubt.

So let me amend my advice to: "First love yourself. See yourself as attractive, worthy of love, able to give love [something I doubted about myself for a while after the experience mentioned in the linked thread]. Relax. Don't worry if it doesn't happen. Consider [as Temptress points out] the signals that you're sending out. If you feel like hunting, do it with confidence*. If you don't feel like hunting, don't feel badly about yourself or about your commitment to polyamory."

* Do you like films? See if you can find a DVD of David Beaird's "Scorchers". In my opinion, an under-rated jewel. Watch the before/after difference in Talbot, the wife who's upset because her husband has lost sexual interest in her (and her husband's before/after attitude). [Personally speaking, not my favourite** part of this film . But perhaps to the point here.]

** That's the "opening monologue by [Jumper] that was absent from the original VHS release", but restored in the DVD version, with a runner-up of Bear's and Howler's arriving at an agreement. [Personally speaking...]
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