Thread: New...ish?
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Old 04-07-2011, 10:29 AM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
Posts: 718

Originally Posted by Temptress View Post
I know this is a bit out of the box but... When I was reading the description of your situation it made me wonder about body language.
Sometimes when I am nervous or feeling unsure of myself my body language becomes very closed and defensive. It's not even something that I consciously intend to do and sometimes it does put people off. So what I did was read up about it and start correcting myself when I was throwing out the "wrong" signals and using more open body language.
Although it definitely didn't instantly put a relationship in my lap, it did make it easier for me to read others and for others to see that I wasn't actually closed to them.
I don't think that this is out of the box at all. How we feel about ourselves
Originally Posted by Confused1 View Post
No one ever seems to be interested in me "that way," at least, no one I have ever been able to tell. [...] I guess deep down I worry that this means I am unattractive [...] I have seen people of all types, shapes and sizes at poly meetings happy with multiple partners, and their attractiveness or lack thereof doesn't seem to be an issue. [...] perhaps I am doing something wrong? Thanks!
gets converted into signals that other people do pick up on... and often become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Confused1, I've re-read your opening post and (this time) paid more attention to the words "I do want to". My first comment here emphasised the "don't worry if it doesn't happen" / "don't try too hard" aspect, because I think that if you see it as a test that you're failing, you're only going to spiral into more self-doubt.

So let me amend my advice to: "First love yourself. See yourself as attractive, worthy of love, able to give love [something I doubted about myself for a while after the experience mentioned in the linked thread]. Relax. Don't worry if it doesn't happen. Consider [as Temptress points out] the signals that you're sending out. If you feel like hunting, do it with confidence*. If you don't feel like hunting, don't feel badly about yourself or about your commitment to polyamory."

* Do you like films? See if you can find a DVD of David Beaird's "Scorchers". In my opinion, an under-rated jewel. Watch the before/after difference in Talbot, the wife who's upset because her husband has lost sexual interest in her (and her husband's before/after attitude). [Personally speaking, not my favourite** part of this film . But perhaps to the point here.]

** That's the "opening monologue by [Jumper] that was absent from the original VHS release", but restored in the DVD version, with a runner-up of Bear's and Howler's arriving at an agreement. [Personally speaking...]
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