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Old 04-07-2011, 09:40 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Hullo and welcome!

First loves are tough, especially if they happen to be same-sex poly loves because of all the cultural baggage and lack of workable models to imitate.

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Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
I was fine with it all and we continued to talk.
How did you discuss this? Was poly ever brought up? Had Drew and Brian done this before?

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Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
His partner didn't like me at all to begin with. He didn't want me texting or calling or communicating online at all. So to be polite I tried to listen to him and be respectful.
Why didn't he like it? Jealousy? Was this a first poly experience to all three of you?

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Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
I should probably mention that at the time I was 19, Drew 28, and Brian was just about to turn 27.
The fact that you bring up age twice in your post leads me to think if this is something you are worried about? Michael being a few months younger than you, the whole situation seemingly repeating itself... Are you worried they might be duckling-hunters?

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Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
That was the first time we had sex, with Drew wanting/knowingly/and willingly being my first.
One-on-one sex with Drew or (eventually) a threesome? I'm trying to figure if this is a vee or triad dynamic we are talking about here.

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Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
In early September issues started arising with communication and I made strides to gain attention from them which ultimately backfired and strained things sorta, but nothing horrible.
Is 'trying to get attention' an euphemism for trying to arouse their jealousy?

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Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
...he'd left his Skype open to a chat with this other guy. The context was all too similar to how I'd begun talking to him. There was talk of possibly meeting and everything seemed to be just like how it had been with me a year ago.
I think one of the most common reasons behind jealous responses is a feeling of being replaced, which obviously happened for you.

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Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
I didn't stay anything for a few days until I was alone with Brian at the store. Then I asked him who this Michael guy was, who was a few months younger than me I found out. He tried to explain it shouldn't bother me that it was nothing serious and nothing was going to happen. But I couldn't shake it, I felt lied to and betrayed by someone I truly loved. I didn't want to stay in the house anymore and went and moved my stuff into their guest unit. That was until there was a confrontation about it in there after I'd left that house without telling anyone cause I wanted to be by myself.
Okay, three BIG mistakes here.
1) You didn't talk right away about your feelings but let them fester.
2) When you did open, you did it with the wrong person.
3) Instead of dealing with your feelings with both of them together, you without explanation moved out and only then, when cornered, chose to address the issue

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Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
I asked him to delete Michael from his phone which he did. And we tried to enjoy the rest of the trip.
Why did you do that? The cure for jealousy, as you probably noticed, is not to ask the person you care about to change their behavior but to change your own reactions to it. To rebuild connection and trust, not to introduce ultimatums. Cheating is horrible and destroys your sense of self-worth, which leads to paranoia and controlling behaviors. The answer is to work on your self and your insecurities, not to artificially try to stop anything from developing between the object of your suspicions and your SO, which never works anyway.

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Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
Not really end things, but to show them that this was the point that they'd driven me. I decided them from facebook, skype, and wouldn't call or text them. I got into a big argument with them as I was doing this. They said that I was messing everything up, not in our relationship, but in their lives, because of needing to know everything.
Histrionics. Instead of communicating about your feelings, you took dramatic steps to ensure a reaction, any reaction, would occur. It backfired again, as you probably could have guessed by your previous attempt to get their attention.

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Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
They both told me that they didn't want to though, but still wanted me to be their friend.
This has happened to me, too. A person told me they were not interested in dating me any longer because of the unreliable way I acted, but wanted to be friends nevertheless. I'm trying to build bridges atm, more for my own sake than to force this relationship to happen.

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Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
I've repeatedly said I want to have things the way they were, and they both know that, it's not a secret. The thing that is making me somewhat mad is that I gave them both second chances in December when it was pretty much nearly cheating on me, and that's what I told them it felt like. But that I'm not given another chance, even though I was pushed in my decision.
I think you've actually been given two second chances. First after the stuff you pulled in early Sep, whatever that was, then after this moving out without explaining anything, and then you cut off internet ties, which broke the camel's neck. How many more chances do you need before you start owning up to your own actions?

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Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
I'd just like any input on the situation. What you think would help or I could/should do to have things the way they were.
Show them that you are reliable. Ask them to forgive the things you did before. Acknowledge that you are very young, the situation is entirely unfamiliar and you are all more likely than not doing this for the first time, then forgive both them and yourself.

Stop doing instead of talking. Don't pull stunts just to get their attention. They create resentment and prevent communication.

Accept that you are probably put on a probation period and treated with suspicion for a time. Talk honestly about what this relationship is about. Are you a triad? Are you a poly-fi triad? Are you a vee? A poly-fi vee? What's going on here, what can you expect? Don't rely on understandings but ask!

Work on your self-esteem and insecurity issues. Self-educate on poly, jealousy, non-violent communication etc. Consider getting back on dating again. I personally am somewhat suspicious of poly-fi-anything if it's long-distance, especially in your configuration where there is a primary couple and their unicorn who lives out of town. They might not be able to fulfill all your needs for intimacy and emotional support. Please don't skip towns to be closer to them. Focus on building a social network of your own, independent of their relationship.

Please don't take this as me saying you are bad or you should have seen this coming. This is coming with love from someone who has done very similar mistakes herself and honestly wants to help.
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Dating: Moonlightrunner
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