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Old 04-07-2011, 08:30 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906

Originally Posted by FoCo View Post
I have thought about asking if I could talk to him, but I have no idea what is appropriate and what is not.
Absolutely you are within your rights to ask for getting to talk to him. Please do that before she gets on that plane. How else can you be 100% sure he even knows you exist (yes, this is very unlikely, and I'm not implying this is your case). You need to hear things like 'is he poly?', 'how much does he expect to see your wife?' etc. from him, not relayed through her.

Originally Posted by FoCo View Post
At the same time, I feel like a lot of you are basically saying, anything goes. Is that how most of you do this? If a partner wants something, the other one has to do it at the same pace?
Poly requires a heightened sense of consideration for others, and is pretty much the opposite of everything goes, to my mind. There is a difference, though, as RP pointed out, between 'reasonable' and 'fair' demands on the one hand, and 'unreasonable' and 'unfair' demands on the other.

A reasonable demand;
1) You schedule one date night per week with your wife, and she agrees to turn her mobile off and not text to him while you go to the toilet so the two of you can talk, reconnect and have fun. The date has a specific time-frame, say four hours, after which she can call or text her beau.
An unreasonable demand;
2) You agree to not having her talk to Victor or contact him in any way for an unspecified amount of time while you 'process'.

Placing a small child with a box of candy in a room and telling them that if they touch the candy, they will be punished, then leaving the room for four hours, is setting unreasonable demands for a child. It leads to resentment and feelings of insecurity on part of the child. I don't have children but I've had dogs and the first lesson in building trust with your dog is giving them challenges they can succeed at and then rewarding them for success. Not to imply that being married is anything like bringing up a puppy but the basics of trust-building work from one species to the next, methinks .

Originally Posted by FoCo View Post
To see someone with NRE and having to adjust to a new paradigm at the same time is very difficult. We talked about swinging for almost a year before we did it. There was no discussion about this.
Getting into poly is very hard in the way you just described, and I'd love to say it's easier for someone who first talks about it and goes through a long dating period, but check out posts by Freetime and you see that's not necessarily the case. Victor happened and now is the time to slow down, self-educate, connect as a couple and make the most of the situation.

Good luck!
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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