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Old 04-07-2011, 05:01 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by FoCo View Post
She met him almost a month ago. When she first told me she said she would not have contact for with him for a amount of time (I forgot if we agreed on 5 days, 7 days?) and then she contacted him in less than 48 hours. When we first started talking to a counselor, she told the counselor she was afraid to tell him that we are married, i.e. she would not acknowledge our marriage to him, and that our marriage was not ending. To her credit she eventually did, and that helped me tremendously.
These two points are common for a woman who is afraid of what her feelings are. She has no frame of reference also and doesn't want to hurt you, so when she saw you were hurt she felt like she could promise anything as long as you got that pained look off of your face.

What she found, like so many of us do, is that it isn't realistic to do something that someone else wants just because THEY want it and to keep yourself from feeling guilty... she needed to be true to herself also. This takes practice and it will take some time before she is used to expressing what she would like to see happen, regardless of the pained look you have or the pain you are it... Its important to get there because its better to make a promise that can keep over one that will be broken and made in the moment so as to appease someone's anger.
Originally Posted by FoCo View Post
At the same time, I feel like a lot of you are basically saying, anything goes. In four weeks we've gone to never even talking about poly to now we are poly and she wants to go hop on a plane (mind you we are both grad students and have no money) and she told me she thinks she is falling in love with him. Do I not have any reason to be concerned? Is that how most of you do this? If a partner wants something, the other one has to do it at the same pace?
I didn't say that. I said that you should ask her to slow down. Yes you have a reason to be concerned. No, this is not how most of us "do this." The pace should be of the one that is struggling the most. That would be you. Why? Because it is respectful, it shows you care and love your partner enough to put your immediate need to be with someone aside until they are comfortable. It shows that you can rise above your NRE (new relationship energy) in order to show that you are sitting up and taking note of how you effect those around you.

I suggest doing a tag search for "NRE" "lessons" and "foundations" to read more about what works in poly from the good readers and writers of this forum. They have learned much and have educated themselves much... See what you get from it and maybe invite your partner to do the same. It sounds like she might need some guidance before booking her flight.
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