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Old 04-06-2011, 08:52 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
[...]Why should I feel so excited about a dance partner (I'm 40, he's 70, I mean really!) when I have a fulfilling and exciting sex life plus the love and attention of another wonderful man? [...] Maybe I've always thought of relationships being about meeting one's needs [...] If falling in love was only about fulfilling unmet needs, then it seems polyamorous relationships would carry the implication that the first partner was somehow falling short, and I'm quite sure that's not how most poly folks see things. I want some perspective. Why do I fall in love again and again? Why is it that the happier I am with my husband, the more I fall in love with others, and vice versa? It just doesn't make sense to me!
Hey! What have you got against older dancers? ("he's 70, I mean really!") OK, I can't claim to be 70...*

I want you to imagine yourself in a prison cell (luxurious fittings, comfortable, more like a 5* hotel, but...) with your husband. You can't get out, there's no television, no books, no contact with the outside world. All your meals are delivered (whatever you order, exquisite cooking) without you ever coming into contact with your prison guards. How long do you think that it would take you to become bored with your husband? How much longer to hate the sight of him?

It's a fallacy to believe that we can get all our needs from one other person. In some people's case, they can get all their most important emotional needs covered by one person. (And some try to... and are miserable.)

So you can dance with H... or L. But D's rather special at dancing, and there's this spark. You might not be poorer without it (or maybe you might not notice that you were poorer). But it's there, that spark. And it's so nice! Why not enjoy it? And maybe it's a spark and not a drink of clear water from a mountain spring. Maybe D and you would be a disaster in bed. Maybe he'd find sex-laden chats embarrassing - or tawdry. (I'm not saying he would - or doubting your potential fireworks in bed; I'm only saying maybe.)

So dance with the man! Enjoy your sexy chats with L! You're lucky to have 3 men who love you (each in his own way). (And no, of course I don't mean that you don't deserve such luck - or I wouldn't be on this web-site.)

To go back to your "unmet needs" idea: a cheese soufflé isn't "falling short" because it's not chocolate ice-cream. You're allowed to appreciate them both!

* But I did have - several years ago - a 20-something come up to me at a disco and ask: "My friends and I have been watching you dancing. How old are you?... If you don't mind me asking."
"I don't mind at all... I'm 50," I answered.
"Hats off to you, Man! That's fantastic!" he replied.
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If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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