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Old 04-06-2011, 08:52 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

I work with people that I talk like your letter sounds. I also have a child. I get it, its hard to adjust... I do my best as I'm sure you do...

I'm glad to hear you haven't sent it yet and its still a work in progress. The only thing I suggest is to pick it apart and think of what you "feel" like and then write a separate letter just on feelings and request to have your needs met... you might want to write a list of questions for him too.

I had a land lord once that was used to students who left his place a mess when they moved out. He did a pre-moving out inspection of my place and was really angry as it was a mess. It was right during exams and I hadn't had time... besides I had two weeks until moving day!

I wrote him a letter out of anger and "you'd" all over the place and then settled in to write one that was "I" statements and sent that instead.

I basically said that I was feeling under pressure to do well in my exams and that I didn't think the place was clean either and that I was hurt that he had accused me of being a lazy student when in fact I had considered myself quite neat most of the time... I reminded him that I had two weeks and assured him it would be clean when I moved...

To my amazement he wrote back and apologized and said he had not thought about my exams and that I had two weeks left and that of course I had time and that he was really sorry about the name calling but that he too had been under pressure for various reasons...

It was a really amazing moment where NVC really worked. Why? Because I made myself vulnerable by expressing how I felt about the situation.

I try to do that all the time, even though it puts me in a position to be at the mercy of others. I find, surprisingly, most of the time people empathize and feel bad about what they have said and apologize or approach me differently and with more respect!

It works best with kids because it teaches them to empathize. Quite often I will express feelings to my son about not leaving the house on time (etc) and it changes his whole attitude to one of being willing to work with me to achieve things together rather than FOR ME.

Maybe thinking in terms of what to say that would inspire working together than FOR YOU. would help? Just a thought.
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