Hey everyone, thanks so much for the help. I think what you all have said is true, I am being possessive. I am really trying to let go. Let me give you all a few more details.
She met Viktor at a conference in Maryland, and he lives on the east coast. We live in Colorado. I have only seen a picture of him. I have thought about asking if I could talk to him, but I have no idea what is appropriate and what is not. We've talked about it and one of the hardest things about non monogamy is that there are really no resources. We were figuring it out alone, and now that she wants to go poly, I do feel like I am being abandoned a bit.
Let me give a short timeline as well. She met him almost a month ago. When she first told me she said she would not have contact for with him for a amount of time (I forgot if we agreed on 5 days, 7 days?) and then she contacted him in less than 48 hours. When we first started talking to a counselor, she told the counselor she was afraid to tell him that we are married, i.e. she would not acknowledge our marriage to him, and that our marriage was not ending. To her credit she eventually did, and that helped me tremendously.
Last night we talked about it and now she wants to go see him in two weeks. I think all of you are correct that I am trying to own her, and it really makes me feel like an ass. I do not want to be like this and I am trying to come up with ways to stop doing it.
At the same time, I feel like a lot of you are basically saying, anything goes. In four weeks we've gone to never even talking about poly to now we are poly and she wants to go hop on a plane (mind you we are both grad students and have no money) and she told me she thinks she is falling in love with him. Do I not have any reason to be concerned? Is that how most of you do this? If a partner wants something, the other one has to do it at the same pace?
I really appreciate the constructive suggestions. We truly have a deep love and respect for each other. I want to do all I can to make her happy, and let her be herself. I do not want to take away her happiness. To see someone with NRE and having to adjust to a new paradigm at the same time is very difficult. We talked about swinging for almost a year before we did it. There was no discussion about this.
I really appreciate all the constructive criticism. What I learned from swinging was when I was able to let her go in that context it was great for everyone and I know I need to do the same here. It sounds like for some of you that's easy but for me it's kind of hard