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Old 04-06-2011, 07:49 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634

Hi there, what is the story with Victor? Where did she meet him, what has she done so far with him? Have you met him? Do you know him?

All of these questions would help me formulate a suggestion for you, but because I don't know much I will write a few things anyway... first of all, I totally agree to do a tag search for "NRE" and "jelousy," great idea! There is lots here to help you realize you are not alone and that there are solutions.

I think it is very important to meet this man as soon as you can. If you haven't already. The more you know of him the better off you will be. The more grounded you will feel. He is not what you think he is most likely and the stuff that goes on in your head is most likely not what is going on.

I would also suggest dropping some of your rules. They are not boundaries by what you have described. They are rules and they hark of ownership. You can and should not attempt to own your wife.

That being said, it sounds like you are concerned for your relationship and struggling to keep up with what is going on for her. That is fine, but there are other ways to deal with that without locking her up (metaphorically )

Boundaries work better it seems if they are mutually agreed upon and are specific when you start out. You also need to understand that they should be movable and if something comes up then freaking out is not the answer, adjusting is. If you have an agreement that your time with her is not jeopardized then what does that mean specifically. You are away, why should she not call this guy and chat? If she buys her own calling card with her own money then why not? provided its not a time you and her set aside for you and her to talk. These are the specifics you can lay out about what you need when you talk about boundaries.

A week for a woman in NRE to not talk to a love that is available in a phone call is just too much I think. That was a total set up by my thoughts... maybe she thought she could do it, I know I couldn't. She has to start being realistic also... stop agreeing to things she can't keep her promise about. This is negotiation... she gets to express her needs and you get to express yours and then you keep giving a little until you reach the line where to cross over it is absolutely not okay right now... maybe later. Things don't stay the same and there should always be fluidity... the good thing with that is that there is always room for change when things get easier.

Perhaps the biggest suggestion I have is to ask her to slow down. It sounds like you need to catch a breath. Maybe just talking on the phone everyday at a time when you are not around for a couple of weeks is all you can handle. Then maybe you could be okay with her going into another room when you are around.... then saying hi to him yourself, then she can go on a date until 11... then you meet him... plotting it out with time frames seems to help because then you can go at your pace and she can feel like there is progress and that you are working on your stuff. All of the times and events can be adjustable if at the end of a time period you feel you need more time, or before it comes to an end you are ready to move to the next thing...

I hope this all makes sense. Please ask if you have a question about it... for now though, take a deep breath and realize that the more you give, the more you get. There is nothing like a woman in NRE to give back a whole lot of loving when she feels like her life is her own and that her decisions and desires are respected. You could greatly benefit by letting the strings go a bit and getting your own life sorted out right now... (by that I don't mean going out and getting your own girlfriend btw!).
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