Thread: about fairness
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Old 04-06-2011, 08:41 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fenix View Post
This is esarati's wife. Figured it was time to jump in and bring it back to the question he actually had.
Welcome, and sorry - I was the primus motor behind hijacking this thread.


Quote:
Originally Posted by fenix View Post
Once he realized that it wasn't just a one night fling, though, he backtracked, telling me it wasn't fair for me to leave him alone to spend time with this man, even as minimally as I am (I've only seen him once a week since this started). I told esarati I was okay with him trying to find another partner too, but he just tells me I would be too jealous if he did. I admit I do feel a little jealous when he spends time away from me, but not once have I let that stop him from doing so. I encourage it. I think it's healthy to have lives outside of each other, friends and interests and activities that aren't always shared between us. He thinks these are just justifications to get what I want.
Redpepper (and others, too!) has some really good points on poly being different from other forms of non-monogamy because it doesn't really encourage coupledness. There are of course a lot of people who don't identify with this, but let's say poly introduces definite obstacles to the couple mentality which aren't so much of a factor in swinging, for example.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fenix View Post
Is there anything I'm not doing, or missteps I'm making here that I can correct? I really don't want this to distance him from me.
Date nights? I really don't have much to add to what Ariakas already said. You might have to slow the down the progress of relationship number 2 to avoid distancing esarati. On the other hand, splitting all dates evenly isn't going to be a really workable solution at all times. Some distance will probably occur by the virtue of your whole relationship transitioning from the coupledness to... openness?
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