Hmm. You talk about "letting her" do this or that, almost as if you own her. I also don't get the sense that the two of you were ever really negotiating about boundaries you were both willing to work with - it sounds like you "asked for" (demanded?) what you wanted and she acquiesced, but obviously, they didn't work for her. There need to be some concessions made on both sides. Funny that you refer to what she wants as "demands," but you're just "asking" for what you want? Really? There definitely seems to be some element of possessiveness or sense of ownership on your part, which I think you would do well to look at. It could be coming from a very old place inside you.
*As usual, I can never understand the swinger mindset about being okay with a spouse having sex, but not being okay with poly, which is seen as some kind of big explosive crisis-making development - what's that about? Wouldn't you want someone to care for and relate to her more than just sexually? Isn't she worth having that? But I digress...
As to the jealousy, I agree that it sound s like you are very much wrapped up in thinking of your wife as someone you own and don't want to share (but you have shared when swinging, so... huh?). Perhaps examining similar feelings from your past might help you in identifying where that comes from, so you can let go of it. Your fears don't need to rule you and run your life. Look at them but don't hang on to them. And keep talking but don't let yourself lash out when you feel that rise in you. When it does, talk about that -- as in "Right now I just want to say something mean to hurt you. I don't know why I want o do that..." etc. Open up the dialogue. I hope that all makes sense, I'm tired.
Independent solo polyamorist seeking lover-friends willing to invest in friendship, companionship, and love, but without a need for partnership.
Never confuse commitment with exclusivity, love with ownership, nor sex with intimacy!
For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.
~ Carl Sagan
Last edited by nycindie; 04-06-2011 at 08:00 AM.