So... Basically... My partner, Pretty, and his other partner Ladybug, scheduled a date on the one day that we've always agreed would be preserved for us, Tuesdays (tonight). He basically said he could not reschedule this date, even though he "accidentally" made it on the night that we've been sharing exclusively for 4 months, and had agreed to keep as "ours". He said this scheduling mishap was just an error, but won't fix it. I view this as another breech of boundary, and feel that it's especially ill-timed, given that we're still healing from some hurt left over from recently, when they blatantly engaged in intercourse against mutual agreement. (here's
some insight into the first transgression).
I've decided that I"m going to take two weeks away (after thursday). I feel yucky. I feel very yucky. HURRRTINGGG.
I never thought he would do this kind of thing to me.
Here is a document I'm going to send to him:
I feel pretty hurt about recent transgressions and the feelings I'm having. i care about you so much and I don't want to put all the blame on you, because I want to be able to keep you. Please help me gain some insight by giving me a couple weeks of space and adhering to some requests in the mean time. I need some perspective.
Things that I think are unhealthy about this relationship:
- The speed at which things progressed, with little to no attention paid to this relationship. Starting a second relationship in a poly scenario carries staunchly different consequences than starting an only-relationship. New relationship energy is taking precedent over old relationship energy.
- You have no support from others with Poly experiences. You're getting no feedback from anyone except myself and Ladybug. While I've been talking it out with good friends to gain some perspective, you've been diving into NRE. You've done no reading. You talked to your best friend who is poly, even. It seems that you're being reckless and focused on your new relationship energy and I am essentially doing all the work that has gotten us this far through it all. You're not educating yourself, even after making transgressions. I have made every suggestion. I have spent a lot of time on this because I care about you and I care about this relationship.
- I end up doing a lot of consoling. You really need to work on getting through this response of guilt. It does little to no justice to my feelings and it paralyzes you. It is destructive and creates scenarios where you've made decisions that hurt me, but I end up consoling you. This is not forward-moving.
- “Better to ask forgiveness than permission”. It hurts that you're crossing very reasonable, fair and minimally-instituted boundaries about sex and scheduling. It hurts that, while I've wanted to ease into this giving you as much leeway as possible, you “take a mile”, so to speak, for every inch I give. It hurts that, in the midst of our healing about the first sexual transgression, you made a supposed scheduling error that you didn't seem willing to fix on behalf of the security and health of this relationship. It makes me feel like the NRE is making you take our hard-fought relationship for granted, in favor of something newer and more exciting... and perhaps more “fragile” seeming, which may be why it takes precedent.
- I feel like you are taking our relationship for granted. I have told you that I will fight long and hard for this relationship, and I will. But I refuse to do it myself. I don't want to feel like you're being reckless and that you expect me to clean up the mess though research and finding support from others picking up pieces and working at it – talking until I'm blue in the face. I want you to prove it to me. I want to feel secure, loved and cared for. I want to feel safe.
So, basically I request that you do all of the below:
- Be honest and up front with her about this list, immediately.
- Spend at least 11/15 nights alone. Call/text her as often as you need to, but please spend the bulk of your time with yourself. Spend time thinking.
- Read stuff. Like... Poly stuff. I'll send you some.
- Schedule your nights with her whenever you first get your work schedules. Make all of your dates 100% SOBER for both of you. Please make sure she knows this before hand.
- Let me know when your dates are. Let me know if you have to reschedule.
- Engage in whatever dry/sober/protected acts of sex that you want.
- Think about whether our relationship is worth it to you and whether you're interested in keeping it for the long-term. Think about whether you want to keep it. Think about whether you can respect boundaries. Consider that I am flexible and open to change, but not willing to be trod on.
- Get intimate with her feelings about the situation.
- Don't exchange fluids.
- Get tested with her.
- Talk to her about safer sex and what fluid bonding is, and that you plan on being fluid bonded with me.
- Ask her about whether she's comfortable discussing poly with all of us together sometime in the near future.
- Ask her whether she's comfortable with all of us spending time together once every week or two weeks.
- Be honest with yourself about the health of your relationship with her. I'm not there so I don't know how healthy it is. How much alcohol is involved? Is she healthy and grounded enough to be in a poly relationship as someone who doesn't necessarily identify as poly?
We shall reunite on the 23rd of April (A Saturday) and spend the day being honest and working it out.
I love you immensely. I want you in my life. Let's do it.
note - we've already agreed to be fluid-bonded, so that's not a new demand out of nowhere. I just want him to talk to her about it in a sit-down, serious kind of way. I'm not sure his definition of a "conversation" is the same as mine.
What do you think?