Help!!! I'm having some trouble and really need some advice adjusting
It's a bit long and complicated but I could really use some help. My wife and I were probably swingers for about a year, and for the most part enjoying it. We were having the typical super hot sex and increased closeness a lot of couples enjoy in this lifestyle.
My wife went away for a conference and I basically told her no sex, which she adhered to. But, she came back and essentially laid a bomb on me. She said she met a guy and wanted to be poly. We had never discussed this possibility before, and she is very sure she has a strong connection to this guy, Victor.
I was extremely upset. I did not handle it well at all. She would not back off of her demands and it put us in counseling immediately.
Anyways, after doing some soul searching, I decided to let her continue to have this man in her life. But, we tried to set boundaries and she could not adhere to them. After one of our counseling sessions, I asked her to not have contact with Victor for a week, and she broke that in 2 days. Then, she gave me some time, and I said go ahead and talk to him. My boundaries were essentially that I did not want that relationship to take away from us - no breaking plans with me to talk to him, for instance.
I have been having a myriad of problems adjusting to this. I am having some strong feelings of anger and jealously. I am having trouble getting over how Victor was brought into our lives, and I am not sure if I will ever be able to be okay with him because of how he entered.
I have been almost manic about it. I'll be fine for a day or two, and then I'll find out something new and I just freak out. We are beginning to get into a cycle where I tell her I am not comfortable with what is going on, and we are having trouble communicating. For instance, I am at a conference right now. I was looking at my phone bill and noticed she has been talking to him for 1 - 2 hours a day, every day since I've been gone. I completely freaked out. I called her and said some things I did not mean. Problem is, now she uses that as an excuse not to back off from this guy. I asked her to not have contact till I get home, which is 2 days from now, and she said she would not.
Her reasoning was because she did not want to.
Here are my questions: 1) Has this type of thing happened to anyone else and how did you deal with it? 2) What can I do to deal with my feelings of jealousy? And why I am I so up and down emotionally?
I am actually pushing her away more and it is the opposite of what I want to have happen.
Also, this all happened with in a matter of about 3 weeks. I want to make this work, but to be honest, I'm pretty sure she basically met some guy, let herself open up emotionally, and is falling in love with him. I'm scared to death and I am not sure what to do.