My name is Malena and I did not really know that there was a name and even a forum for what I am involved in for the past 6 years. It started when I broke up with my then boyfriend who acted rediculously childish over the whole process. He wanted to be friends but there was no trust and I realised it had never really been there. I more or less 'decided' to just not have a relationship anymore.
Not cause i can not be monogamous or something; i am very loyal but also very faithfull and when in love i see no one else but that person. But i always felt locked up in relationships. I ended up being the psychiatrist (not blaming anyone and even not myself for this as this is just who i am) and forgetting about myself. When I did need the other person the other would not be used to that, be confused and break up. Bit boldly said but that is the main outline. In the end i always got to hear that i was dependent on them or whatever excuse they needed.
I knew one thing and that is that i want to be respected for who I am and to be able to be who I am I need some distance, some freedom or maybe even a lot. It should not matter that i do not always know what i want. It is not that i am keeping an emotional distance to protect myself from being hurt. I develloped a very loving relationship with my ex boyfriend. We never stopped loving eachother but cause he is an autist it works way better this way for both of us. In 2007 I met another man I fell deeply in love with and that was mutual. They both know of eachother and can get along really well. They understand why i care for the other person and do not expect me to do any different. But in return I neither claim them as long as we keep communicating, be open and do it safe.
I believe there are honest people still who do not lie and cheat and if there is nothing to lie about fears of losing will also disappear. That is what it did for me at least.
I wasn't looking for people who would understand and i could share this with. I am an open book and even if people have a different view on it i stick to myself. I have always done that. Outlaw at highschool neither affected me cause i did not want to belong anyway. I always known I am different. Yes i have felt alone with that too but now I am a bit too mature for that. Does not mean i have nothing to be insecure about but at least it does not bother me anymore what other people think. It is just a bit difficult with the classifications when they ask you if you are single or having a partner. I tend to call it All but Nothing. Lol