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Old 09-23-2009, 03:11 AM
jryyc1 jryyc1 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 11
Default New, and already got challenges (but I KNOW I can solve!)

Hi Poly's,

The Nutshell:
  • gay
  • have husband (together nearly 10 years, sexually open 5+ years),
  • discovered "Ethical Slut" a few months back via a fuck buddy; thought it would simply help me be a better fuck buddy...had NO CLUE why they kept talking about LOVE
  • Last 3 months...falling head over heels with a beautiful man, now my boyfriend or secondary, who also has a husband.. Met online for a quick fuck, ended up going "wow, I want you in my life"
  • MY husband is now "in" on this reality, and neither happy nor comfortable with it.
  • My husband is putting up a zillion "walls," making lots of rules, and issuing threats and ultimatums.
  • I'm still crazy about my husband, and don't want to lose him.
  • I also don't want to lose the amazing boyfriend I've found.
  • I KNOW there is NO putting the poly Genie back in his bottle.
  • WHAT TO DO?

More detail: This is my first post. I'm surprised to be here. The word "polyamorous" only came into my life a few months ago; suddenly, it's wildly important. Thanks in advance for any guidance you can give.

I'm a gay man with an amazing husband (we'll call him that, even though we're not legally married...despite living in Canada).

Husband and I have basically a zero sex life together since about six months into our relationship; dramatically different interests and appetites for sex. But everything else about the relationship has worked well.

5 years ago we opened things sexually (very common in the gay world), and have both been quite free to play as we please...although really I'm the only one who plays much. Husband just doesn't have much sex drive.

I travel a LOT, so it's very easy for me to get laid on the road. Additionally, I'm allowed to "play" in our hometown, so have had plenty of sex locally, and made a few "fuck buddies."

I always believed I was keeping "feelings" out of the sex; despite having some really fun and interesting conversations with fuck buds. One of them recommended the book "The Ethical Slut," (which, you'll be gleeful to know, is the current #1 best seller at our local gay bookstore.

I read it with abandon, initially hiding the cover from my husband, and then realizing that was idiotic. He seemed ok with me reading it. I also found myself recommending it to a handful of my fuck buddies.

Last June, my husband was away one morning, and I had sex with a guy I met online. From the moment I met him (we'll now call him "boyfriend," he was special and different, not to mention gorgeous (BTW, my husband is among the planet's truly handsome men).

We both made it clear that our time together was 100% no-strings, but during & after an amazing fuck realized we needed to see each other again. A few weeks passed, due to scheduling, and the next time we saw each other it was like 4th of July fireworks combined with all the emotional connection of a Rock Hudson+Doris Day movie.

We continued to see each other; eventually my husband met my boyfriend (long story).

I later explained to my husband that my boyfriend is, indeed, my boyfriend...and very, very special. Meanwhile, boyfriend and HIS husband were inviting us for to get together so we'd all know who's who. We've all-4 been together a couple of times now (purely socially).

So, this has all gone quite nicely...except MY husband has now realizes that my boyfriend is, well, my boyfriend.

All hell has broken loose as husband is feeling sooooo insecure; threatening divorce (or saying, "gee, maybe our relationship has run its course").

I find my husband believes couples are meant to be of the "white picket fence" variety (although, it seems ok to have sex with other people...just don't let anyone know).

He's feeling angry, threatened, confused, and NOT happy about the idea that he may need to allow me to share the endless love I believe I can give.

I wish I knew a couple who could walk us through this. I don't want to lose my beautiful husband. But I know the genie cannot be put back in the bottle. Meanwhile, my beautiful boyfriend is getting batted around by everything, and feeling like he's in the middle of an experiment.

Ugh. Who's got advice?

Last edited by jryyc1; 09-23-2009 at 05:39 PM. Reason: spelling
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