So I'm going to come back one more time to say what I think really needs to be said. And in the process I'm going to ask myself..where do I stand with polyamory?
Some important points to note are that polyamory has been:
~an internally driven feeling
~affected positive growth, both in personal ways and through sexual expression
~I felt more trust and more love through the act of embracing poly
(disclaimer) and while I feel it allowed me to address my deep personal beliefs about infinite love; its appearance also directly proceeded alleged intentionally destructive behavior...meaning I changed some huge pieces of my life around haphazardly at precisely the same time I chose to pounce on polyamory.
Now for story telling time.
Poly has never been a question in my mind...well it's never been a defined term either. But I've always known that love doesn't come and go like the seasons. It doesn't materialize and then accidentally de-materialize at our beck and call. I turn now to the story of my first love, I was young, self- destructive and actively seeking out physical companionship to accommodate deep insecurities when I happened upon David. At the time, I was specifically seeking to acquire a boy...but this one had fallen just outside of my radar. He was taken and not particularly remarkable and I had no interest in him initially, he on the other hand was after me. I didn't see it coming at all, but somehow it felt destined. I recall the haunting sound of an old song floating threw my head the night we met, one by the Dixie Cups. I was 16 going on 17, and he was pretty cute, the relationship proceeded as any normal high school thing would until we wed 6 months later, that was quickly followed by the birth of our son in a few short months and then another son just 12 months and 6 days after that. I fell in love. Then we broke up. He meant so much too me, I spent the next two years carefully building an unbreakable friendship between us. We tell each other everything, like two best friends would.
I spent the next five years after that in serial monogamy...one right after the other I rolled through a string of bad relationships. Then I one day I stopped and said to myself, 'this will never work.' After that I consciously spent the next year avoiding monogamy, it was fulfilling. I had a found a different relationship for each different need. There was A. for long talks and deep passion, R. for spontaneous great sex, B. for platonic and dependable support, and my first girlfriend, K. But it still felt like something was missing. Enter Julio I told K. from the moment I laid eyes on him that he was the one. I quickly disposed of my other people, including K., for the promise of a truly fulfilling mono relationship. Its hard to repeat out loud, but sometimes I wonder...where did the long talks and deep passion go? what happened to spontaneous sex? and is there platonic, dependable support when Julio is never home? I know with out a doubt, that I've gained so much more from this relationship then I've given up, I have found companionship in him like none before, a my life is full of adventure and moments of pure bliss, he quiets my deepest fears in away I've never felt before and everyday I'm filled with a desire to be the better than I was the day before.
I'm not looking for two Julios, just the freedom to love and share on multiple levels.
(dammit I don't want to post this now, but here it goes)
"It is a truly wise man who does not play leap frog with a unicorn”