Originally Posted by redpepper
Uh, ya... reasonable and a bit of a warning sign...
In case you haven't already read my rule?
I totally go by the idea that things should move as fast as the one that is having the issues... if it isn't then it usually all blows up in everyone's face if someone feels pushed to accept and feel safe within the situation at hand before they are ready (putting the whole thing back a few steps or more) .
Yup, I think he needs to slow down and remember that he is not in this alone and not a free agent that can do whatever he wants.
See that's what bothers me! His gf#1 bf has asked him to NOT have sex with her for a while, and he told him (and in the same thread told ME) that he is "a grown man who can decide for himself when and if he has sex". To me, this is pure selfishness when you are involved with more than one person and sort of a childish reaction to someone requesting a little respect and elbow room. On one hand, he has said he is waiting to have sex with gf#1 because of me and the other bf (even though his attitude clearly says it's begrudgingly), but he won't give me the same grant with gf #2 who has no other lovers. WTF, man? Is it because in the first situation it's two against one??
I really get frustrated when he is so stubborn, but at the same time, when I think if someone was trying to tell me I couldn't have sex with someone, I would be a bit annoyed maybe - I don't know it depends on who it was. Like for example, if "Nick" told me I couldn't have sex with someone I met because he wasn't ready for me to get into that sort of situation yet, I feel I would respect his request (depending on the reason and ultimately depending on our conversations about it). But since he has always told me that he would not put constraints on my relationships (if I had any) I don't think he would ever ask that. It's hard for me to put myself in his shoes and see where he's coming from.
It doesn't seem like a very fair thing to do, poly or not, to have sex with someone, then tell your partner later on....isn't that the same as cheating? But when I have asked him to keep me informed, he said sometimes the moment just comes up to have sex with someone and he wants to be open to that moment happening sometime in the future, and did I want him to call me at that moment and say "i'm about to have intercourse just thought you should know"..?
I guess his way of informing me of his sexual activities is by telling me he is "planning on having sex"???
I am so confused about the logistics of all this....what do other people do when a new person enters the situation?