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Old 04-05-2011, 07:07 AM
Altea Altea is offline
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Poland
Posts: 7

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
'Polyamory' is just one flavour of non-monogamy. From what I understand, in 'open relationships' partners agree to have casual relationships without emotional intimacy with other people. Obviously your ex-metamour wasn't ready to move from 'open' to 'polyship'. Frankly, I'd say there's no crying over spilled milk. You can't force someone to start relating polyamorously no matter how much you love them.
You are right. I just felt I must write what happened in my bf's previous relationship, because I feel it is important to the whole story.

So he has been emotionally abusive to you, blaming you for the end of his previous relationship, devaluing the connection you two have, making threats etc. This is not a good solid foundation on which to start building up poly. Your bf sounds like he has issues with sex and intimacy which cannot be solved by you or by anyone else for that matter.
He hes issues. He knows himself there's something wrong with what he is thinking about sex. I thought I could help him get over them, but I guess I faild. It is better with each passing month, but I'm slowly tired with all this.

Do a tag search on boundaries. I would immediately say that letting everyone know with whom they are involved is just basic common courtesy, but agreeing to have sex if possible only in threesomes is an exceedingly bad idea. Why do you feel the need to do this? Are you bisexual? Do you desire to have emotional and sexual connections with women independent of your boyfriend, or is this something you want to do to alleviate your own issues with jealousy and insecurity?
That's hard to explain. I am bisexual. The idea of having threesomes when possible for a period of time came to me for several reasons:
1. I thought it would help me with my current feelings of insecurity, because I wouldn't feel my bf is having sex with other girls out of selfishness.
2. I also thought that if he would actually see that I am not restraining him from having sex with others, he would stop being paranoid of me don't letting him have the sexuall freedom he desires so much

Threesomes are no cure against jealousy, they can in fact make jealousy/insecurity issues that much worse.
That is also a fact I am aware of. But my jealousy is not something given to me 'by nature' it's something that appeared recently and is not natural for me. As I am, as said, bisexuall, and my and my partner know some bi girls whom we both like a threesome for developing more bond tried to by a quiet good idea.
Also, what do you mean by 'not letting anyone out'? Out of the relationship, like your ex-metamour left? The only person who can decide whether you stay in a relationship is you. It's not only impossible but highly unethical to think that once you 'capture' someone, they are in for a penny, in for a pound. I understand this is not the sentiment behind this since you feel guilty for 'letting' your first metamour go, but that is just not how relationships work, period.

This is such an odd statement that maybe I'm misinterpreting and you mean you don't want anyone feeling left out?
I made a language error here. English idioms are something I'm still having problems with. I meant of course that in a threesome non of us would felt left out. I would feel that my bf does really want something oter than just having sex with as many girls other than me as possible.

Your bf has some serious anger issues and he DOES NOT respect you. Polyamory IS NOT 'do what you will, no one can limit your personal freedom'. People who think like that can't handle even one relationship, let alone multiple ones. We have the right to demand respect and honor from people we are willing to share our lives with.
He can get really paranoid when it comes to his freedom. I don't really know why. He is slowly learning that every relationship (no matter if mono, poly, swinging, open or other) needs compromises. Yet he still can become angry when he has something like a bad day. And it is hard for me to be in a role of a 'teacher' every time. I also can get angry and frustrated by his behaviour and sometimes feel exhousted by all this.

So he infected you with his jealousy, insecurity and paranoia, and refused any attempts you made to solve the situation.
I don't think he himself is jealous. But he definitely is insecure. Not just in this relationship, but in realtionships in general. And yes he refused. He thinks the only way to solve any problems is to let anyone do as they wish and just see what happens. His relationship paranoia is a big issue and I even thought about making him go to some sort of professonal councell but I don;t even know where to find any therapist in my country who specializes in non-monogamious relationships.

You can have a happy, respectful polyamorous relationship with boundaries and agreements that everyone is happy with and that apply to everyone. Just perhaps not with this guy.
Maybe not with him. But well I can't help I love him and want to try to help him out of his paranoias. When it won't help I guess I will have to find someone else. But running away from problems is not what love is about.
How old are you? Living with a person who behaves violently and has zero respect towards you will eat away your spirit, no matter how close your living habits are to each other. You do not trust him anymore and he has done nothing to help you rebuild that trust.

Why are you with someone who makes you feel like shit?
I am almost 23 and my partner almost 28. As I wrote before, I want to help him get a healthy attitude toward sex and relationships. But I am also aware that if it doesn't work out in some time I will have for my own health to leave this relationship.
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