...peeking back in on the forum. Its late and I wanted to kill sometime by reading some posts and finally updating. I fell off the map there for a while. Basically things went spinning out of control for a bit and it has been so hard to gather up my own thoughts, I didn't want to waste any energy trying to share any of my chaos and confusion here, so I took a break.
I guess when I last left off I was struggling massively with my school work and wrapped up in a decision to retire from my career of the last five years. The whole thing just came to a huge climax in January and the last few months I've just been trying to iron it all out and re-adjust.
In a quick re-cap:
I was able to pass my calculus class with a B- but I realized that my future in that degree field would continue to be fraught with struggles and unhappiness...I decided all in one day to set aside my business degree and find a completely new direction. Which equivocated to basically sticking my finger out blindly choosing what ever it touched as my future goal.
So I am now studying Anthropology.
Directly after announcing my plans to retire, I found it nearly impossible to make it to my scheduled shifts at work. I showed up an hour late to one shift and then just skipped the next one altogether. Subconsciously I had checked out...so I called my boss and told her it would be a waste of her time and mine to try and make it through the rest of my shifts and I retired right then and there.
The double whammy of career change both present and future was apparently too much for me. I started acting out and feeling weird about all kinds of things. I could see myself behaving in ways that are completely out of character for me. It took a while to find any sort of pattern in my behavior but I began to notice a deep thread of insecurity behind everything I was saying and doing. Through all of this, I was lashing out at Julio, both in fear and desperation. So I told him it was time to put the brakes on any attempt at poly for now, or at least had my head on straight. He has been my rock through all of this, he is patient and even tries to be understanding. But when I try to describe how I'm feeling, he says I sound 'crazy'
so we don't talk about it too much. I'm in no hurry to decide where I stand on unicorn hunting right now, it seems safe to just set it aside and not think about it at all.
Things have still been moving along with Haylee though, I hardly ever see her now that we don't work together. But we found a moment one night to talk and she opened up some deep feelings to me, and I to her. We talked for hours about the worries and struggles we were facing and our future dreams. So much of what she said was like a mirror to what I was feeling, when I would begin to tell her a story, she would jump in and finish the ending. Its hard to explain but the whole night we were on the same page about everything. All of our experiences and thoughts ran together...she would describe how she missed surfing and I would jump right in with my passions about riding motorcycles. When I described what it meant to me she would stop and finish my thought with what surfing meant (in the same way to her) "The quiet still of the moment..."she told me, "waiting for a set"
"The deep respect you feel knowing how fragile you are" I said to her....